A Dragon Tamer May Work With Dragons
by C.Rara
Summary: Minerva had been truly delusional in thinking she could possibly keep her sanity intact on her birthday. It's a wonder she hadn't been committed to Mungo's by breakfast. In fact with the Twins, Snape and that bloody Toad she'll be eating dinner in Azkaban
1. Chapter 1

_AN: Names, ages and dates are all accurate. Personalities are, of course, mostly my own creation as many of these characters have little parts in the books. However I try to keep them in character and realistic.  
Apologies if this comes across as being quite similar to __**Twisted Biscuits**__ story __**Just a Random Tuesday**__. That is not only my favourite story on fanfiction, but it is my inspiration and it is where my love for Minerva's character came from. I thoroughly recommend everyone to read her story, even if you don't read mine.  
The apple and mint flavoured juice is something everyone in my family apart from me (evidently the sane one) drinks. XD_

**Once a Year  
**_(A Dragon Tamer May Work With Dragons)_

Minerva McGonagall's eyes felt rather heavy in her skull today. It may have been to do with the terrifying lack of sleep she'd received last night. In fact, it was in all likeliness nothing to do with anything BUT the extraordinarily pitiful slumber she'd suffered last night. The fact remained though, that the fearsome Transfiguration teacher was today far less fearsome than usual.

Blearily she had stumbled out of her bed that morning and shoved her aching feet into the tartan slippers. Still with her eyes firmly shut, she reached out for her cosy dressing gown and shrugged it on. Despite the gloriously warm summer, it was an exceptionally cold October.

Finally deigning to open her eyes, and admittedly wishing to give in to their heaviness and close them again, Minerva flicked her wand to open her bedroom curtains. Fully expecting a blinding sun to, well, blind her, Minerva turned her head to one side and squinted. She held this attractive expression for a few seconds and then gingerly glanced over at her window. Rain was pouring down the glass and in the distance she could see the trees of the forest swaying violently side to side, like an inebriated Sybil Trelawney, as they battled the harsh winds.

So that was why Minerva was now sitting in her room, grumbling to herself as she attempted to force a hairbrush through the wild tangles of her midnight black (oh alright, depressingly grey) hair.

"Oh enough!" she finally snapped and grabbing an unlabelled bottle, she began dousing her hair in a liquid which, however embarrassed Minerva was to own it, immediately smoothed out all the knots, conditioned the split ends and even gave it a few layers to make it a more flattering cut.

Septima Vector may be many things, but Minerva couldn't help but respect her uncanny ability to buy perfect Christmas gifts.

Those blasted 'Secret Santa's' were a menace which Minerva fully intended to stamp out this winter, Dumbledore be damned. Good gracious, she- as a well respected witch with _dignity _and _moral integrity-_ should NOT be subjugated to enter premises such as 'Priscilla's Prophetic Paraphernalia' to purchase a ridiculously heavy book entitled 'Death Omens; the Dark and the Deadly' from a heavily-perfumed woman with blood-red talons the length of Minerva's little finger! It was fate she would not wish on any monster burning with Satan in the very depths of hell.  
HOWEVER, it had to be said that with the exception of Sybil, and perhaps Severus, the exchange of yuletide gifts tended to be...tolerable, and if one was lucky enough to receive a gift from Albus or Septima, one was sure to have a useful albeit quirky present.

So it was this thought that danced through Minerva's head, cheering her up slightly on this cold October morning. This truly dreadful day that Minerva had been preparing herself for all week. Her, horror of all horrors, 70th birthday.

Not happy enough to actually venture downstairs to the staffroom and face any of her colleagues, Minerva was still content with the thought that when she finally forced herself to do so, she _was _likely to receive some wonderful gifts to keep her going until Christmas.  
(What cheered her up even more though was the despicable, shameful thought that no matter how old Minerva was, she _was _still, and always would be, considerably younger than Albus.)

Settling down into a chair in front of her mirror, Minerva called out clearly;  
"Excuse me. Could I have a house-elf up here please?"

Immediately an odd looking house-elf- odd-looking even in house-elf terms- appeared in her room. It wore an assortment of multi-coloured socks, ear-muffs, scarves and 3 hats, none of which were on his head.

"Can Dobby be of service to you, Professor?" he squeaked and Minerva bit back her annoyance because, after all, the poor elf couldn't be held responsible for the voice nature had cruelly seen fit to give him.

Minerva nodded curtly and was already turning her attention away from Dobby to the owl soaring towards her decidedly closed window. She said "I should like a mug of coffee sent up here, if you would please, Dibby. Milk, no sugar. Thank-you." Minerva finished dismissively.

"Of course." Dobby said uncomfortably, wringing his hands. "Though if Professor wouldn't mind, please, Dobby's name is Dobby. Dobby will bring up coffee right away, but Dobby likes to be called by his name, Professor."

Minerva quirked her eyebrow at the truly unusual house-elf. Bizarrely, she found herself beaming at the daring little sod.  
"Of course, Dobby. My apologies." She told him, staring at his peculiar clothes, and realising they looked so strange because she had never seen a house-elf wear anything other than a tea towel.  
"I will definitely remember it next time." She smiled kindly.

Dobby's face lit up when he realised he hadn't angered the Professor and squeaked happily, disappearing as quickly as he had emerged.

"Hm." Minerva shook her head in amusement as she turned to face the mirror.

CRASH.

For one horrifying moment, and a clear low point in her self-esteem, Minerva thought her reflection had caused the mirror to break. Then she realised that the stupid bird carrying her mail had smashed through the glass of the window. With an impatient flick of her wand, she summoned the newspaper.

At the angry click of the owl's beak, Minerva started and whirled around to face the bird. Realising immediately what was wrong, Minerva sighed and told it condescendingly,  
"You'll find the money in the pouch right there next to you."

Appeased, the bird dipped his leg through the ties of the pouch and flew off, narrowly missing the other unbroken window.

"I wonder if it was just particularly foggy or if, like the Prophet, the owls are getting dumber too." Minerva wondered aloud. "Perhaps it is the latest Ministry scheme to fill this castle with as many idiotic creatures as possible. I bet Dolores is in on it."

"Dobby doubts it" squeaked Dobby, appearing beside Minerva's elbow suddenly, armed with a mug of peculiar looking coffee. "Owls _eat_ toads, Professor."

He laughed once, and then suddenly howled in horror. Unsympathetic and tactless; granted, but practical as always, Minerva grabbed the mug and set it on the table before it spilt over her lovely clean floors.

"Dobby spoke ill of a teacher. Dobby should NEVER speak ill of a teacher." He babbled, crawling towards Minerva's wardrobe.

"I assure you, no-one minds." Minerva said, quickly grabbing him by his scarf as he tried to fling himself into her hefty oak wardrobe.

"Thank-you for the drink Dobby" she continued "though I can't help but notice it isn't coffee."

"I know, Professor." Dobby said delicately, his self-mutilation put on hold "But in the kitchens Dobby bumped into Professor Dumbledore, you see. He tells Dobby to make hot cocoa instead, with cinnamon because it is Professor McGonagall's birthday and Professor Dumbledore knows it is her favourite. So Dobby brings it up just like Headmaster says, Professor. And Dobby also brings up this."

He held in his hand a pair of, what Minerva assumed them to be anyway, mittens. One was bright red with gold stars. One was black and decorated with garishly orange pumpkins.

"Dobby made them a while back. One was for the Gryffindor match soon, as Dobby wanted to show his support for Mr Harry and his friends, but Dobby knows you are head of his great house. The other _was_ for Dobby for Halloween. But Professor has two hands and Dobby wanted to give something to Professor McGonagall. Mr Harry's friend Miss Hermione speaks always very highly of you. So Dobby feels he must give something, and so looks through his collection and thinks Professor might like these best. Dobby is right, Professor?"

Minerva, quite flattered, smiled a tight smile and said in a very fake voice  
"I absolutely adore them, Dobby."

The house-elf lit up and danced out of the room, clicking his fingers and fixing Minerva's window as he went.

As Minerva took a big gulp of her hot chocolate, she couldn't help but concede that Albus might have been right in ordering it for her. Sinking back into her chair and sighing as she lifted her feet onto the stool in front, Minerva held the hot mug of liquid magic in one hand and settled in to read the idiotic drivel contaminating every page of the Daily Prophet.

"Oh."  
Minerva spotted an interesting headline and took a gulp of the chocolate goodness.  
"Sirius Black spotted yesterday in Newcastle, eating ice-cream in muggle theme park."

It said a lot about how much faith Minerva had in the Order, or perhaps how little faith she had in the Ministry, that Minerva's instinctive reaction was not 'Oh God, they're getting closer if they're now sure Sirius is in England again' but 'Good grief! What kind of _madman_ would eat ice-cream when it's this cold outside?'

-x-

"Good morning!" sang the ever bubbly voice of Pomona Sprout as Minerva McGonagall entered the staff-room some 45 minutes later.  
"Happy Birthday!" she smiled, clapping her hands together joyfully.

"Oh, act your age." Minerva scolded half-heartedly as she walked past.

"If I did, I'd be crippled and clutching a walking stick, raving about cats and the price of peppermints these days." Pomona exclaimed loudly "And I ask you, who wants that?"

"You're only 4 years younger than me." Minerva said, turning round from the kitchen area to scowl across the room at Pomona. "So hush." She pointed her teaspoon in what she hoped was an intimidating manner.

"Careful." Septima Vector grinned wickedly. "If Minerva comes chasing after you, Pomona, you'll only have about half an hour to run away from Grandma."

Minerva switched her glare to Septima, who didn't see as she was too busy acting out a highly unflattering impression of an old lady shuffling towards Pomona with her arms out-stretched.  
Aurora Sinistra collapsed into a fit of giggles besides Snape who was looking on in mild amusement, directed more at the laughing Astronomy professor though, than Vector.

Thinking that enough humour had been derived from the situation now, Minerva silently counted to 5 in her head, wand ready. Luckily, though severely disappointingly, as Minerva reached 4 and a half, Septima rolled her eyes and straightened up.

"Seriously, though" Aurora said, her lips still twitching, thus completely contradicting her 'seriously'. "Happy Birthday. You're looking wonderful for 70."

There was a murmur of assent which Minerva found herself going slightly red to. Turning away to focus on her coffee, or rather to ensure none of them saw her rosy cheeks, Minerva muttered a brief 'thank-you' and placed her spoon in the sink.

Lounging back into the comfiest armchair by the window (which she thought the staff may have left vacant for her deliberately. They were really quite darling sometimes, weren't they?) Minerva raised her mug of coffee to her lips and gulped it down in about 5 seconds.

"Thirsty, are we?" Professor Dumbledore inquired cheerfully as he and Charity Burbage entered the room, both immediately making their way to the kitchen. Charity reached for the kettle. Albus reached for a previously unnoticed jug of apple and mint flavoured juice.  
"I myself find this more refreshing."

He poured a glass and offered it to Minerva who graciously declined. Shrugging, Albus looked around and saw that the very last chair had just been filled by Professor Grubby-Plank. As Severus, Minerva, Filius and Pomona all moved to get up and offer him their seat; Albus chuckled and shook his head in refusal. He flicked his wand and a gigantic pink frilly sofa appeared with matching pink cushions in the shape of kittens.

Minerva eyed it with distaste, as did everyone else in the room.

"Our new Defence against the Dark Arts Professor will be with us shortly, and I fear thus far she has not settled in well to our school. I know this to be more to her taste, having been in her office, and I can't say I particularly mind an extra sofa being added." Albus explained neutrally.

"Well _I_ do" Minerva said cattily. "With not enough chairs, perhaps dear Dolores might stay in her own blasted office and leave us to enjoy our break times in peace!" There was a lot of nodding and laughter following this, which Dumbledore overlooked, though his eyes twinkled.

"Frankly I thought it was some rather splendid wand work on my part." He said to the room, pretending to sulk "and I'm offended no-one mentioned it!"

"Well _frankly_ Albus, I thought your spell must have gone awry, because I have made no such grave slight against your character that you'd wilfully conjure up something to make me nauseous."  
Minerva retorted.  
"_I'm_ offended by the mere sight of it. I can't think of anything in the world more likely to make me vomit."

At that moment, Dolores Umbridge appeared in the doorway, causing much sniggering amongst the less subtle staff members.  
Completely straight-faced, Septima transfigured her now empty cup into a bucket and passed it over to Minerva.  
"I beg to differ." She said, sitting back down, adding "Just in case."

Staring shrewdly about the room with her eyes narrowed, Dolores made her way over to the kitchen area.  
"Rather busy for a Saturday." She commented in a sugary tone which instantly made every faculty member bite the inside of their lip to stop them from hissing. "Don't you all have spouses to see? Things to buy? Lives to live?"

Minerva sent her a withering look.  
_"Don't you_?"

Mercifully, Albus interjected before any more hostility could build up between then. It would not do well for Minerva if her birthday started in Hogwarts and terminated in the darkest cell of Azkaban.

"My dear Dolores, I was just about to make a drink for myself anyway, why don't you sit down and I'll get a cup of tea for us both. Anyone else, while I'm up?"

"Please." Minerva said. "Since you deprived me of my caffeine fix this morning, Albus."

The headmaster chuckled lightly as he filled up the kettle with his wand. Why he didn't just add the boiling water to the mugs, Minerva didn't know.

"I thought you would appreciate Hot Chocolate more, especially today of all days." Albus said, though it sounded more like a question.

"Oh yes, it was just delicious" Minerva agreed "Though _today of all days_ I figure I may need as much caffeine as possible."

"Naturally!" cried out Septima, evidently having just thought up another joke. Minerva got her scowl in place, ready. "After all, at the great age of 70, one needs all the energy boosters they can get."

Several staff members resorted to hiding their grins behind their coffee mugs.

"Ah, Septima." Albus began, his eyes sparkling merrily "I feel obliged to point out that Minerva is one of our best duellers. And also, more importantly, about 40 years _my_ junior." He looked down at Septima through his spectacles and quirked his lips. "Though it is nice to see the enthusiasm you kids today have with your jokes."

Septima blushed slightly at the reference to her youth. With Aurora being the second youngest at twenty-nine, she still had nearly 6 years on Septima.  
Childishly, Septima's only response was to stick out her tongue.

Aurora leant in and gave her a big thumbs-up.  
"You sure proved him wrong."

Septima rolled her eyes and turned to strike up a conversation with Wilhelmina instead.

"Here you go Milady and Milady" Albus said courteously, dipping his head and passing Dolores and Minerva their respected drinks. Both accepted with thanks, though Minerva added a '_thanking-you kindly, Milord_', mocking his archaic nature. She immediately wondered if that constituted flirting and regretted it.

Dolores stared at her tea suspiciously and, Minerva swore it, sniffed it when Albus turned away again. She glanced around the room to see Aurora and Pomona staring at the Highly Inquisitive Toad with amused disbelief.

"Did you put sugar in? I didn't see you put any in, but I know you can't possibly expect me to drink tea sugarless, tee hee, so I'm sure you must have done. Did you?" Dolores asked sweetly, and Minerva found herself wishing desperately that Albus _had_ put poison in.

"Why don't you drink it and see?" Minerva said frostily.

"And if you're sure he must have done, there's really no need to ask." Severus added.

"And there was also no need to say you didn't seem him put any in. Of course you didn't! You had your back to him!" Aurora commented loudly.

Albus waited for them all to be done before saying lightly "I'm sure I put sugars in. If you find it unacceptable, however, I will of course learn from my mistakes and try to make better tea to your standards in future."

Minerva snorted.

Dolores sipped it and clearly to her utmost annoyance could find no fault.  
"I think I shall take this to go. Things to do, you know? Tee-hee."

Minerva could have sighed in relief as the hideous waste of organs vacated the room. Over on the sofa, Septima evidently found it too hard to resist.

"Good God!" she said, closing her eyes briefly and then sitting up to look at Minerva in the eye "she even makes morning tea a trial. And who the hell actually laughs 'tee-hee'? Moronic amphibian-like Ministry hag."

Minerva smiled into her drink.

"We really do have presents for you, you know." Filius chirped up, deciding that they could have a bitch-fest about Umbridge any day of the year (and they would) but Minerva's 70th couldn't go unnoticed. "But Poppy got called in to the Hospital Wing and expressively told us not to start without her."

"Not to worry at all, Filius."  
Minerva groaned slightly as she reclined further in her chair and closed her eyes.  
"People who get to my age- yes Septima, other people who are as old as me do in fact exist, ha-ha, how amusing! - tend to have fine tuned the art of waiting, and appreciating the quiet times between-"

BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. _Pause. _

...

**BANG!**

"Whoa, George! That was _wicked."_

...

The staffroom froze and went deadly quiet, broken only by a small sob coming from where Minerva sat.

"You were saying?" Severus asked silkily "Something about quiet times..."

Minerva didn't lower herself by responding.  
"I'll be right back" she told the group, ignoring their sympathetic stares.

'How dedicated she is to her work. How noble. A greater head of house there has never been!' was what Minerva assumed they were thinking.  
She herself was following thoughts more along the line of '_Dear Bloody Merlin, so help me I'll tear off their legs and force them to crawl using their arms to clean up the blood! I'll give them detention every minute of every day from now until forever! Mess with me on my quiet Dolores-free time, will they? They've. Gone. Too. Far.'_

"Why is it" Minerva began, not allowing the satisfaction she felt when she saw the twins jump about a foot in the air to creep into her voice "that whenever there is some form of disruption in the school it is _always_ someone in my house."

"Because, Professor" Fred said in his easy charm "all the other houses are _pansies._"

"Besides" George added "think how mind-numbingly boring life would be without us."

Minerva, in her head obviously, conceded that he may have a point, but that didn't mean she shouldn't be allowed to spend her time fantasising about a quiet life. Where she could go in to teach the class and it would be full of Hermione Grangers. Students would ask polite, insightful questions and when class ended, they would quietly pack away their belongings and head off to their various destinations with a little grace and maturity. Over meals, students and teachers alike would discuss the higher questions in life – 'who are we?' 'Why are we here?' – Or else they would be doing their homework methodically and without fuss.

"Er...Professor?"

She snapped out of her reverie at once.  
"Mr Weasley, Mr Weasley. I demand you give me one single reason why I shouldn't haul you off to the Headmaster right now and put an end to your trouble-making before it begins. In fact, I demand that you give me one good reason why I shouldn't take away all of your privileges for the rest of the year as an anticipatory punishment. It's Hogsmede Saturday, is it not? Poor timing for a prank, don't you agree?"

"Er...well you see Professor" Fred began, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, evidently stalling for time.

"I suggest the truth" Minerva warned sternly "They say it sets you free." She said in a sarcastically virtuous voice.

"Right before they lock you up in Azkaban and throw away the key. Ha-ha." George joked half-heartedly.

"Well. I rather hope whatever it is you two are doing doesn't merit prison, Mr Weasley."

"Alright, you want it straight, Professor? That toad Umbridge is being a right cow-" Fred started.

"Not to us particularly, you understand." Continued George "I mean, she has been pretty horrid to us, but in general, she's totally acting out against anyone who shows support for Harry-"

"-which pretty much equates to anyone in this school who wasn't raised to be a _moron_." Fred said darkly.

"Right. So we thought we ought to explain to her how it works in Hogwarts-"

"That she can't roam around the castle like she owns us all and not expect her come-uppance."

"So we set up our own little revenge you see-"

"-and it's no danger to anyone else, you understand, Miss. We're not prats."

"We're just annoyed."

"Really you ought to be proud of us, Professor."

"Yeah, we're standing up for something we believe in."

"We're standing up for Harry against this turning-into-_dictatorship_ of Fudge and his inability to see reason."

"Plus there was some wicked spells we had to master to get this mother-f done, Professor! Pardon my hint of French."

"Pardon my French accent would've been better, mate. And we need the Hogsmede trip because our plan is to get this sorted out while the she-devil isn't here-"

"And then head off down to the 3 broomsticks where Lee and Angelina will already have an alibi for us-"

"So when these spells hit her at lunch, she can't blame us."

They looked up grinning evilly to see Minerva's completely neutral expression.

"You're going to stop us, Professor, aren't you?" Fred said sadly.

"Absolutely. It's awful, Mr Weasley... Lee is widely known to be your best friend and I believe by now it is common knowledge that you and Miss Johnson are romantically involved, Fred. Even to someone as oblivious as Dolores. You'd need a far better alibi established. I caught you pulling this prank and you'll be in detention all day with me in my office... And you won't be out until 11 o'clock tonight which you know very well is curfew and from now on, I expect you both to adhere to it. Understood?"

The boys looked utterly crestfallen as they muttered their dejected "understood's".

Minerva gave a curt nod.

"Then I'm going back in to the staffroom to enjoy my hopefully sans-Dolores birthday in peace" Minerva said. "I shan't be checking in on you until 11 but _clearly_ you'll be there the whole time, despite being without my supervision. And this will be confirmed by you being in my office at precisely 10.50pm, naturally."

"Naturally" George agreed, grinning, whilst Fred stared at her in amazement. "Since we'll have spent the whole day there, Professor."

For a second the boys swore they saw her lips twitch into a mischievous smirk, but it was gone so quickly that when they next thought about it, they convinced themselves that they had probably just imagined it.  
They still watched her walk back into the staff room in disbelief though, as if expecting her to suddenly whirl around in a swirl of her cloak and go "Ha-ha! Fooled you!" Though it has to be acknowledged that this would be even more out-of-character.

"Whoa" Minerva heard one twin say to the other as she was closing the door. "She must really hate Umbridge."

Minerva cast her eyes despairingly up to the heavens for a moment.  
_You have no idea._

-x-

ok, here's my cunning little plan. See, i have this habit of losing interest in my stories. Now this one however, is one that I not only enjoy writing but have the next 3 chapters finished already! Unfortunately, once again, my sporadic writing episodes are becoming even more sporadic. My hope if that now by putting this first chapter up, i'll have the incentive to write more often without the pressure of getting the next chapter written quickly and therefore not up to standard.

I love writing this character's style, but I recognise it could do with a lot of improvement. Constructive criticism is therefore welcome!

And, if I don't get another chapter up before**, HAPPY HALLOWEEN! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Once a Year ****  
**_(A Dragon Tamer May Work With Dragons)_

_Chapter 2 _

"Don't worry. I'm here. I'm here. Sorry I'm late" Poppy Pomfrey rushed into the staffroom with still a good twenty minutes to spare before all the teachers would have to go down to breakfast. Although they all privately enjoyed the idea of allowing Umbridge to sit as the _only_ Professor at the table and be forced to handle all the disciplining, the sheer chaos the other Professors would later have to reign in would be unimaginable. Definitely not worth their short-lived gratification.

"Did I miss much?" Poppy asked as she, with only a slight look of disdain, sat down on the abhorrent pink sofa and leant over to tap Minerva on the knee. "Happy Birthday, Minerva."

"Not much worth recounting" said Severus acerbically. "Yet another early start, despite it being a Saturday. I can only assume you all, like myself, wish to be awake before any of the students are up to simply enjoy the calm before the storm?"

Aurora nodded.  
"Mm-hmm. I assume you're referring to the unparalleled madness that has descended upon these halls since _she_ started working here."

"Indeed."

Aurora shook her head.  
"I've never known anything like it. All of them are just grouping together, muggleborns, purebloods, both genders _and_ the confused, all houses, to form one giant army against this Ministry and the rubbish their filtering in."

"This, ironically, is exactly what Dolores doesn't want!" Filius laughed, clapping his hands together.

"And those twins are worse than ever." Pomona said, nodding sagely. "It's like James Potter and Sirius Black all over again."

"Careful" Severus hissed through gritted teeth "You've said his name out loud; you're probably on some Ministry list now."

Minerva grinned.

"What was the calamity outside, by the way, Minerva?" Filius asked pleasantly.

"Some prank they wanted to pull on Dolores. Tempting though it was, I eventually recognised the unprofessionalism in turning a blind eye." Minerva shook her head tragically and many of the teachers groaned sympathetically.

"Professionalism can some second to teaching that thing a lesson." Septima said. ""I'd have gone for it."

Minerva felt a surge of new respect for Septima until Aurora laughed and contradicted saying,  
"No, you wouldn't! You're too strict. I've seen you go from yelling at some 17 year old 'twerp' who 'needs to learn the basic facts of life like which way to point your wand, how to pull your trousers up over your backside and not to mouth off to a teacher' to as soon as he walked away, creeping up behind Hagrid and trying to scare him into falling down the stairs!"

"Steven Marco was a sexist bully and, in my defence, Hagrid didn't fall and even if he had, he would have been fine. It was payback for an earlier comment about me not being scary."

Aurora rolled her eyes again and turned from the ever-so-terrifying Vector to Minerva.  
"So super-professional Professor McGonagall. What did you say to them, and do they need emotional therapy?"

"You've confused me with Severus" Minerva said dryly. "And they'll be in my office sorting out paper work and books all day until curfew."

"On the first Hogsmede trip of the year." Severus smirked. "How Machiavellian of you."

"Well it's not like they don't just go whenever it pleases them anyway" Charity laughed. "Drives Argus raving mad."

"Everything drives him mad." Scowled Aurora who, for reasons nobody was entirely sure of, held a personal vendetta against the squib going back to her years at the school when he had first started. 'As bitter and twisted from the beginning as he is today' she would always hiss viciously.

"They're starting now?" Poppy asked curiously and Minerva imperceptibly tensed.

"Yes. Thanks to the recent floor plan, my room is lovely and close to the staff room now. Literally just up a set of stairs. I escorted them there myself. Why?"

Poppy raised her eyebrows.  
"No reason." She got up to pour herself a glass of milk and muttered. "Except that I saw them running out of school grinning as I was on my way here."

Minerva nearly choked on plain air and looked around the room. Everybody seemed normal. Maybe nobody heard.

Severus Snape sat, dark and sinister looking as ever, in the corner, shaking his head slowly in faux disappointment at Minerva.

'Damn it all' Minerva thought 'This has better be a bloody good prank.'

-x-

It was at 8.20 that Minerva's stomach rumbled loudly. Valiantly trying to ignore this fact, she started up a conversation with Poppy about the students who had been called into the hospital wing.  
Some fight had broken out between two Slytherin 6th Years the night before, resulting in many curses thrown. Their ingenious plan to go to bed with tentacles and burning warts and just pray that the effects wore off in their sleep, astonishingly, failed.  
It had been a great morning wakeup call at quarter-to-six, Poppy informed Minerva, to open her office door to find what mostly resembled monsters from the worst muggle horror films.

Despite the gruesome images in her head, Minerva's stomach still seemed to decide it was ravenous.

"It's no good." She announced to the room. "I'm going to have to go down and face her. I'm too hungry."

"Her face will put you right off your food." Septima said, jumping lightly to her feet. "But if you're going, I guess I'll brave it with you."

"Thank-you" Minerva said sincerely "I shall be glad of the moral support."

"Well, there's safety in numbers, you know." Pomona grinned toothily, clambering to her feet.

Severus picked up his half-empty mug.  
"I'm tempted to skip it today." He told them "The Hospital Wing is low on tonics" he continued, nodding his head slightly at Poppy, "I'll make a start on those this morning."

What a fun filled life he must lead, Minerva thought, though she let no trace of sarcasm enter her expression.

"Oh no, Severus. You have to come." Septima said in a voice that left no room for argument "We'll be giving Minnie-"

"_No_."

"-Minerva- her presents over breakfast!"

Minerva nodded approvingly at Septima's hasty correction.  
'_Minnie'_ she thought 'I ask you!'

Severus sighed and gestured to his mug.  
"Fine. I'll make an appearance."

"Merlin, don't put yourself out on my account" Minerva griped, raising her eyebrows at him.

Severus, in response, only raised one eyebrow, in a well practised scathing expression.  
"Apologies" he said, not sounding the least bit sorry "I forgot how moody ladies can get when they suddenly realise how old they are and are faced with their own decrepitude."

There were a few spluttered laughs as everyone waited to see Minerva's reaction.  
"It certainly explains why you're so grumpy, Severus" she said thoughtfully "though I think we won't have to go through this with _you,_ Severus, because if i'm not mistaken, you're next birthday is when the devil's coming up to claim his firstborn, so you'll be going home I expect."

Severus smirked.  
"Ah, Minerva. You mean to tell me he has not already done so?" He shook his head in incredulity "And there I was thinking I'd been toiling in hell these past years."

The angry moment was over and Minerva snorted, eyeing the sofa with loathing.  
"Certainly feels like it sometimes, doesn't it."

-x-

Eventually it worked out that everybody apart from Aurora and Severus went off in search for food. Septima had a constant stream of jokes supplied thanks to the incredibly odd sight of almost the entire Hogwarts staff marching together through the halls.

It had to be said that all of them turning the corner and coming face to face with a gang of 14 year old boys, dressed in what they evidently thought of as 'cool' clothes, though Minerva herself was wondering from just what circus sideshow they had bought them from, was highly entertaining.

Especially when Filius, in his best 'ghetto, gang-member' voice, which turned out to be not that scary at all, went;  
"Hey, you starting something boys? You starting something? Gonna take us on, yeah? My gang, your gang. Tonight, yeah."

The boys just stared at them really weirdly and sped up as they walked past.

Minerva shook her head despairingly.

"Some people are just born without a sense of humour, aren't they?"

"True that, blood. Innit." Filius said.

It was much later, after Minerva had polished off the grand total of 2 slices of toast with marmalade, a bowl of muesli and a blueberry muffin, that Severus and Aurora did arrive. Both looking, humorously, rather flushed.

"Well, well. What happened with you two?" Septima asked lewdly, buttering a crumpet and waggling her eyebrows suggestively.

"Shove that in your gob and shut up." Aurora snarled, stalking to the end of the table and promptly picking up a muffin to pound into a pulp with her fist.

Septima sniggered in surprise and then proceeded to do just was Sinistra had suggested. Unfortunately for her, her exaggerated mocking gesture backfired and she began choking over the table.

"I found the muffins to be tasting rather delicious today, actually." Minerva said wryly, as Poppy started whacking Septima on the back. "Though of course I'm sure they make an even better hand moisturiser."

Sinistra scowled but was evidently too intimidated to word a response back.

Severus however was looking more than just mildly amused as he took a space next to Umbridge, who thus far had pathologically ignored all the Professors.

"Severus!" she exclaimed in delight which was not even remotely mirrored in the potion master's dark yet uninterested reply of "...Dolores ... How are you?"

Minerva sat sipping her tea smugly, watching Severus squirm as Dolores tried to engage him in conversation.

"Should we save him?" she whispered to Septima who was now panting heavily and very red in the face. She looked at Minerva as if she had just asked whether the Pope was atheist.

"No! Are you insane? Let him struggle. Serves him right for being a cocky bastard."

Suddenly Septima straightened up and scanned the nearby Gryffindor table shrewdly, eyes narrowing.

"Davidson!" she called across the hall, staring at him with an eyebrow raised. "Appallingly, I think I just heard you swear at the breakfast table. Do it again and I'll take 5 points from Gryffindor."  
The boy looked annoyed but wisely chose to say nothing. Septima was strict.

Aurora turned to stare at her friend in exasperated admiration.  
"How on earth did you hear that from where you're sitting?" she asked.

Vector shrugged.  
"Good hearing from my Mother's side I suppose, and you're forgiven for the 'shut up' earlier by the way."

"I didn't apologise."

"You're still forgiven."

"Well thank-you."

"Not at all."

"And _I am_ sorry."

"I know, we've already covered it." Vector smiled and then, casting her eyes to the heavens momentarily, turned back to Davidson. "Mr William Davidson! Empty your pockets!"

Begrudgingly, the boy took out a Fanged Frisbee and placed it sullenly on the table.

Professor Vector folded her arms, and he also pulled out a handful of sweeties which Minerva immediately recognised.

"Bring the Frisbee, if you will." Septima told the boy "though I have no objection to you keeping your sweets, as long as you remember to share."  
The boys face went blank, always a sign of withheld information.  
Minerva was about to intervene, but suddenly the school post arrived and she was shocked but delighted to see a letter coming from Emmeline. Odd that the owl would come during school postal time, when Minerva told her owlers' explicitly that they should always go to her office.

"Honestly, that Davidson, Minerva. Don't know how you do it. He'd get right on my nerves."

Minerva put down the letter briefly to give Septima Vector a measured stare.  
"You do realise that when you told William off for swearing, mere seconds before you _yourself _had uttered an oath."

Septima blinked.  
"I know." She said slowly.

"And when you told him to empty your pockets, you took away the relatively harmless toy that Argus in his well-meant albeit paranoid way deemed unsafe-"

"Or too much fun for the git." Aurora added in, letting Minerva and Septima know that she'd been listening in.

"But left the Weasley's latest perfected version of sweets known, and I quote, as 'Skiving Snack boxes.'"

"Again, I know" Vector said "although actually I wasn't aware of the name. That's genius! There's more?"

This time it was Minerva who blinked.

"Well if he uses it in my class then of course I'll call him on it!" she verified "But I have it on good authority- and by that I mean one of the portraits told me- they're being used for a certain Professor's lesson. And let's just say I don't much care if said certain Professor has a hard time with her subject and eventually quits."

Minerva nodded slightly.  
"But you don't see anything wrong with the double standards of swearing, and then admonishing somebody for swearing."

Septima was already turning her attention back to her food.  
"Why should rules that apply to students apply to teachers? A dragon-tamer may work with dragons without having to eat raw meat."

The phrase was obviously meant to sound philosophical. A mantra one could live their life by. Minerva just had one tiny problem with it; it made no sense whatsoever.

"Who's your letter from Minerva?" Dolores asked, feigning a lack of interest as she poured herself a glass of orange juice. Minerva hoped it was as bitter as anything.

"The inmates of Azkaban, I should think, Dolores." Minerva replied sharply. "We're all rather good friends, you see. I'm just bound to receive a birthday card from the odd murderer."

"Sirius Black, perhaps?" Dolores suggested, under the pretence of a joke.  
Minerva squared her shoulders.

"Nope. No. No. I don't think I have actually received one from _him._ I'll keep you posted though, shall I?"

"Hm." Dolores turned away and Minerva internally sighed in relief. Her mind began racing for any particular reason why Dolores might have accused her for that. She would have to be far more careful about what she said, even as jokes, from now on.

"So, who is your letter from?" Albus inquired kindly.

"Emmeline" Minerva said absentmindedly "We're meeting up later to celebrate my birthday. I imagine she's finalising plans."

"Imagine?" Albus said "Why don't you read it and find out" he recommended "and stop worrying." He added in an undertone which Minerva knew nobody but she would be able to hear "She's been asking everyone, even first-years and Rosmerta."

"Well, in fairness" Minerva told him "If he were to go anywhere in Hogsmede, it'd probably be the place that serves alcohol and has the pretty owner."

Albus chuckled and raised his goblet to his lips, signalling the end of the conversation and prompting Minerva to open her letter.

_Good Morning, Nerva!"_

Minerva smiled slightly. Everyone else might insist on that wretched nickname 'Minnie', but oh no, Miss Emmeline Vance the ever so non-conformist had to devise her own name for Minerva. Why people had to insist on calling her anything but the name on her birth certificate, Minerva didn't know, but if she had to- and she meant _had_ to, with the fate of the wizarding world resting on her answer- Minerva would have found Nerva the most tolerable alternative.

_Oh, I bet you're off in your own little world now grumbling about the nickname. Has someone called you Minnie yet this morning? I bet they have- the unoriginal prats. _

Minerva snorted at the thought of telling Septima she was unoriginal but quickly decided the ramifications would be dire. She would almost certainly try to prove Minerva wrong by carrying out the most original and devastating prank done by a teacher in the history of Hogwarts. Or worse, devise a new nickname, a hundred times worse than 'Minnie' and get it to stick. Like 'Minz' or 'McGeeGee'.

_Either that or you're complaining that 'Good Morning' isn't the way one introduces a letter._

No, that really hadn't crossed Minerva's mind. It had now though; what an illiterate uncultured commoner Emmeline was!

_I'll start again, shall I? _

_Hem hem. (Yes, Nerva. I threw that in there for kicks and giggles. Sue me. Only don't. I'm currently paying for my daughter's wedding which just HAD to be in Hawaii and just HAD to have everybody we know going -you are still going, right?- and she just HAD to wear Gladrags' most expensive white dress in the shop. Like Mother like Daughter, eh?)_

_Dear Minerva McGonagall_

_I am writing to you first and foremost to convey the sincerest of sincere Birthday wishes._

Minerva snorted at the formality of the speech. It could only be read in the most scathing voice, a tone mocking Percy Weasleys, if Minerva were to pick someone.

_Seventy years old, eh! Who'd believe it? I'll be joining you in 10 months (but remember that, Nerva. 10 months. I'm practically a year younger than you. I told you there'd be a day when I'd love being the 'baby'.) _

_I've got to be honest, Minerva, I'm surprised you've lived this long. I didn't think we'd even make it out of school; the number of times Dippet called us into his office, you would have thought he'd have lost his rag and murdered us. Aurors weren't as good those days, Nerva. He'd never have been found out. _

_Then you went ahead and decided you wanted to go and have a dangerous, exciting career, right Nerva? So you became... a Magical Law Enforcement officer. Ha! I just have to bring up all these embarrassing moments for you, Nerva. I think you lasted, oh what was it? That's right, four months. _

_Oh, I wish another person had been there when you stormed into the little cubicle I had at Witch Weekly's, dripping in cheese fondue, screeching "that's it. I've had it. I quit. I don't need to work with those incompetent idiots a moment longer. I'm fine on my own! I'm" -and then your eyes bugged out wide Minerva –"I'm broke, unemployed, living at home and standing in a glorified shoebox of an office covered in cheese."_

_So then you took that part time job at Fortescue's didn't you? Serving ice-cream and listening to his stories. He was nice, sure, and personally I loved all the free ice-cream, but you still weren't happy, were you?_

_Now I realise this may seem like I'm telling your life-story, and you're probably sitting there going 'I already know this. I was kind of there.' But I want to tell you it from my side of the fence, Nerva. It's leading up to something, I swear!_

_So where was I? Fortescues? Right, well it was there, wasn't it, that you really lost the plot. You got fired, I believe. For throwing an ice-cream at an old lady. (I use the word old, Minerva, but I have a worrying feeling she was about 10 years less than our age now.) What did this old lady do, exactly? I'll tell you Minerva. She asked for extra whipped cream. _

_You hadn't been getting much sleep, had you, Minerva? _

_Your room at the Leaky Cauldron was far from ideal, wasn't it?_

_I don't know if you've been in one recently, Nerva? I stayed in one when I had business in London (rather than risk flooing or apparating home drunk and suffering the dreadful consequences and you're ceaseless mockery.) and all I'm going to say on them is this, they're marginally better than they were in the 40's, but you do not want to EVER go during a summer holiday break because they are FULL of hormonal brats.  
You have no idea what it's like having to share a building with a bunch of jumped up teenagers..._

_..._

_Oh alright, point taken. I have all new respect for your work, Minerva. _

_Still, though, over-tiredness really shouldn't result in having to use your weeks wages to pay for an old lady's jacket to be taken to Gladrags' to be cleaned (especially when we all know a simple cleaning charm would have sufficed.) You know what the real reason was there? You hated working with the customers. Hated it. _

_So why on earth you then proceeded to work at the bookshop I have no idea, Minerva! For an intelligent woman, you can be depressingly daft. Once again, you were placed in a similar situation. The customers were annoying, ignorant and above all else, purchasing all the wrong books in your vastly superior opinion. The fuss you kicked up over the transfiguration text books...Good Grief! They weren't what Professor Dumbledore used, were they? But Dumbledore had to be replaced, didn't he? The replacement was a travesty of the teaching profession. _

_Lucky that you wrote that heated letter to the headmaster of Hogwarts really, wasn't it? After two summers worth of children walking into the bookshop and asking repeatedly for those wretched books designed for the dim-witted and the under-5s, you could take no more. _

_He got back to you quite quickly didn't he? Albus told you that you would make a far better candidate for the job and, unfortunately, the current Professor would be forced to resign this year due to 'irrevocable personality differences'. It sounded like they were divorcing rather than firing, didn't it? You laughed at how upset they all sounded. It was just a job._

_You could never work out why I worked so hard at what I did. Why I allowed my boss to walk all over me and set me furiously unfair deadlines. I loved my work, Minerva, still do. But you weren't so sure. You didn't want life to be centred so much around your work that you lost your personality to it. You took that position as Transfiguration Professor as a temporary solution to your financial difficulties, didn't you? Got you out of that bloody hotel room, too. _

_How's that temp thing working out now, Nerva? _

_I remember the constant stream of letters every day about another unforgivable prank one of the devil students had done. The utter idiocy exhibited by every dunderheaded student that walked the halls. You swore that you would...could...only last the year. _

_Then summer came and you were so restless. Didn't know what to do with yourself. You hadn't had any peace throughout the entire year and suddenly there was two months free. What on earth were you going to do with the time? You helped me plan my first wedding (God rest his soul...I know, I know. As far as we're aware he isn't dead, but that smug son of a bitch hasn't RSVP'd to his own daughter's wedding so he better hope he's dead before I track him down.) But that didn't take up nearly enough time (for you. _**I**_ was stressed out beyond belief.)_

_I remember that autumn too. It was my wedding rehearsal and you were nearly late, Minerva. One of the students had sustained a terrible injury from Quidditch, worth a St. Mungo's trip, and the parents hadn't been able to be reached in time so you went with him to give comfort until the boys sister had arrived on the scene. I would have been furious, Nerva, but I saw the passion in your eyes. For the first time, you'd realised you'd found your calling. You cared about the students, Minerva. You cared about the work. You cared about the school. _

_You care far too much for it all, Nerva! _

_And I'm telling you this, because I know sometimes your work can feel like its drowning you, and I can't imagine for one second that the puppet Fudge has sent in is making your life any easier. I reckon today is going to be high on your list of tough days, Nerva. People might be making jokes about you being old, about you retiring, and it's going to hit you like a tonne of bricks. _

_That no matter how much you complain, and how annoying and frustrating and time-consuming and social-life-ruining your work can be...you love it. _

_So have an absolutely grand birthday and remember that no matter how much of a terrible day you have, it could always be worse.  
You could still be working as a Magical Law Enforcement Officer right under Fudge's and Dolores' noses! _

Minerva choked on a happy but heartfelt sob, feeling slightly humiliated that her eyes were glistening. However, to her surprise, there was more to the letter. This time the curls and loops of her penmanship had straightened out marginally into a slightly harsher scrawl, something which Minerva picked up on having marked countless hastily written essays.

_Now, with that in mind, I have some truly heart-breaking news for you. I've just found out as I was about to send this that I am unavoidably detained tonight. Unless I wish to take on Alistair (and I have to confess, the man scares me so much that I truly have no desire to do so) I shall be busy "working" with him tonight. It's awful really, I mean its forecast to rain, it's dreadfully cold and the company shall be, how shall I put it? Intense and focused on the task. Wow. That sounds like I'm finding a delicate way of saying I'm doing something else with him. I'm not. As previously stated, I'm far too scared of him. Plus, he'd probably try to test my 'constant vigilance' half way through by - you know what? I'd rather not think about it-. _

Minerva stared in disgust at the paper. The feeling was mutual.

_I think this is the first time I'll miss your birthday dinner since, well, we were about 11. I guess war effects people in the worst ways, doesn't it? _

_I fully _expect_ a hugely long letter back describing in detail and flawless grammar how much you despise me. I fully _deserve_ a cleansing bout of painful hexes the next time I see you. _

_I am honestly so, very, really, incredibly, exceptionally, remarkably, genuinely, sincerely sorry. There is nothing I can now, nor ever will be able to, do to make up for missing your 70__th__ birthday. I will carry the guilt to my grave and beyond. _

_I hope, though, that in some small way, this can begin to help make amends. This is me paying reparations if you will, Nerva, for missing your un-missable dinner. _

_Open the little velvet pouch – the size of it is deceptive- and you'll find your birthday present, Nerva. I hope you like it; it seemed quite 'you' when I found it. _

_All the purely platonic love of a best friend who is truly sorry (and will resort to a not-so-platonic love if that's what it will take to earn your forgiveness)!_

_Emmeline V _

Minerva snorted at the last bit and, with building curiosity, picked up the little red velvet pouch and drew out a simple, understated matching bracelet and necklace. Also in there, much more to Minerva's taste, was a luxurious deep red quill, flecked with a dusting of gold speckles. There were also three pots of 'everlasting ink' in a deep blue, black and a red for when she was marking. Finally, tucked away in the bottom of the evidently internally-really-quite-spacious pouch, were a packet of ginger newts that Minerva particularly favoured.

She sighed happily and leant back in her chair.

"I fully expect to be around when you open those, Minerva." Albus said, eyeing the ginger newts appreciatively. "Did Emmeline have anything of interest to say?"

"Something about not to let all you shamelessly annoying sods get me down on my birthday because apparently somewhere deep, deep down I actually enjoy my job." Minerva said, shaking her head exasperatedly and rolling her eyes "What can I say? She drinks."

Septima tittered next to her and Minerva smirked into, her now unpleasantly cold, tea.

"So what did you get from her?" Septima asked, staring at the tiny pouch in interest.

Although Minerva showed her, she swiftly realised that Septima may have been a little curious perhaps, but it had really been a way to link in what had been on Vector's mind the entire morning.

"I guess that means...**Presents**!" Septima yelled the moment Minerva had finished speaking, humiliatingly gaining attention from everybody in the hall.

Minerva forced herself to remember that no matter what the present, she had to keep a courteous smile plastered on her face.

"Lovely" she smiled, her cheeks aching already.

-x-

**authors note; **hmmmmm, please tell me what you think. I really love some parts of this (especially some of the dialogue) but other parts...well, it could definitely be improved. I'll hopefully write a short Minerva one shot for christmas so if people could give me advice I'll hope to work on any issues that have so far cropped up (style wise) with that one. * sigh * All i need now is inspiration!


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: **thank-you Witchy Pixie- you're right; itallics do keep ramndomnly cropping up in my chapters- although I admit I do use itallics for emphasis on words (I don't like reading stories that are flled with underlinings and bold print words) entire paragraphs keep appearing in itallics for no apparent reason! I'm hoping I've now removed most of the unintentional itallics though.  
I tend not to read my chapters once I've put them up on ff (i guess becuase when i'm writing I read every sentence a hundred times!) so I wasn't aware before your review. This type of thing used to really annoy me with other stories and now I realise it's not the authors fault. I'll be busy the next few weeks re-reading stories I clicked off from due to formatting issues :P I consider myself to officially be feeling very guilty!

**Once a Year ****  
**_(A Dragon Tamer May Work With Dragons)_

_Chapter 3_

"Oh, it looks _fascinating,_ Charity." Minerva said in a voice that she desperately hoped didn't sound like she was lying through her teeth.

She placed the book back down on the table, wondering why people felt it necessary to buy her books because she was a Professor.

Actually, no, Minerva absolutely adored reading in the precious quiet times her life offered. In such times though, she preferred to read books that did not have a scantily clad woman on the cover, staring lovingly into the smouldering eyes of an equally under-dressed man, with the sun setting in the most cliché fashion behind them.  
Also, generally speaking Minerva had not the slightest inclination to read a book which could be given by a woman winking roguishly and cackling "don't let the kids see!"

"Oh, they'll fascinate you alright!" Charity said cheekily, not noticing Minerva's pained expression at her attempt of clever wit "And I don't want to give anything away, but there's a whole series of these little devils, and Christmas will be coming up soon."

Minerva, feeling too sick to actually voice a reply, made a non-committal "Mmmnnnrrr" and avoided looking at the woman.

Out of the corner of her eye, Minerva could see Pomona fighting off a hysterical laughing fit.

Her gift had been nice enough, Minerva supposed. A lovely array of flowers in a cheerful (and not at all blinding) yellow vase. Absolutely wonderful, sure. Except Minerva didn't give a damn about flowers. In her considered opinion, looking after a plant was yet another responsibility for which one needs to find time to carry out. Was she the only teacher being bloody run off their feet by the Ministry's latest all-singing, all-dancing troll-doll?

Albus' gift had been a lot more imaginative. At first when Minerva had lifted the box's lid and seen a glass ball, she had taken it to be some sort of joke inspired by Sybil which Minerva did not deem particularly funny. However she began to realise quickly that this was not a divination prop, but simply a beautiful ornament which could hold inside any such object she desired.  
Currently it encased, as Albus had instructed it to, a little silver ballerina which rotated daintily on one pointed toe. As Minerva stared at it, little daisies started falling from the top of the orb, landing around the ballerina who picked one up and laughed, before resuming her spinning.

Aurora 'oooh'd' and 'ahh'd' encouragingly at the ballerina who, with new confidence, jumped into the air. Her arms shimmered into a silvery-blue colour, turned into wings and then, disappointingly, a daisy briefly obscured Minerva's and the neighbouring staff-members' vision of her. When she returned to their sight a moment later, she was in the form of a little blue bird.

Aurora giggled in delight, clapping her hands. The bird, as much a show off as the ballerina, tweeted once happily before taking up a song which Minerva knew as 'that wretched dawn chorus, which signals another eternally-damned Dolores and Weasley filled day about to begin.' This version, perhaps thanks to the more reasonable hour at which it was sung, was a lot more pleasant however.

"Oh, that's delightful, Minerva" Aurora giggled and Minerva nodded her sincere agreement, but was too exhausted from all the present opening to vocalise it. Albus would know how much she liked it.

Aurora's gift had been impersonal at best, since she had hedged her bets carefully and played the simple box of unobjectionable toiletries card. Poppy's and Filius' too had been a tad...disappointing...as they had settled with a box of chocolates and a gift card for Madame Malkims respectively.

Minerva reached for the next present. It was wrapped simply in plain silver wrapping paper.  
"Mine." Severus said dully, raising his hand. It suddenly occurred to Minerva that he was, possibly apart from Sybil (who was up in her tower drinking) and Dolores (whom Minerva didn't give a damn about), the only Professor yet to say Happy Birthday to her. She looked to the card tied next to it and read it quickly to see if it contained any well-wishes.

_Minerva, from Severus_

She rolled her eyes slightly and said "thank-you for the card. It means a lot, coming from you. Which, apart from the fact that you can spell my name, is pretty much the only thing I can ascertain from it."

Severus didn't look remotely abashed.  
"A meaningful card is a tad inconsequential considering I found, paid for and wrapped your present, Minerva. A little gratitude wouldn't go amiss."

Minerva smiled as she began tearing into the paper.  
"Why, thank-you _ever_ so much, Severus. It's lovely; I'm sure, absolutely..."

She broke off as she pulled out a scarf in the most exquisite dark blue silk she had ever seen. Simple and low-key, it was absolutely perfect.

"Lovely" Minerva finished softly "I really, truly mean it, Severus. Thank-you."

He was plainly deeply embarrassed by the turn of conversation so Minerva spared him any more discomfort by quickly wrapping the scarf around her neck and moving on to her next, and last, gift.

Beside her, Septima was practically bouncing in her seat.

With escalating curiosity, Minerva began untying the string, not paying much interest to the wrapping paper. It was a shame really because this paper was so covered with little birthday fairy cakes with actual fairy wings and little icing lips that mouthed the words to the song 'Happy Birthday to You', with sparkly subtitles, that it was impossible to determine the colour of the paper underneath. (Purple.)

Filius, who unlike Minerva had noticed, commended Septima on her fabulous charm use.

Minerva didn't really hear this comment as she was staring in horror at the title of the book.

It was the exact same book handed over by Charity Burbage.

Septima started giggling quietly into her hand, though this then turned into outright tears of hilarity streaming down her face as she collapsed onto the table, laughing.

"Fantastic." Minerva said faintly "I guess I have two."

"O-Op-hahaha-Open i-it!" Septima spluttered out.

"Oh, I'd rather not." Minerva protested, and- still crying from amusement- Septima reached out to open the book for her. The moment she did, Minerva noticed, the cover on the book changed.

_The Changing World of Goblin Finance- an in depth look into Gringrotts banking system_

Minerva stared at it in confusion and opened the book quickly. The inside was a little anti-climatic after that, as it was simply hundreds of blank pages.

"Y-You can f-fill it with anything." Septima told her, gradually gaining composure. Had Minerva not been so interested in what the Arithmancy Professor was about to say, she would have told the woman in no uncertain terms to 'calm the hell down before everyone lost the will to live.'

"It'll record everything you write in permanent memory, so if you want to delete something off the page in case someone might read it, but you will need to remember it at a later date, you can do so. Just write into it and it'll follow instructions."

"That's probably the second most impressive book with the power to take over the world I've ever heard of" Severus commented from where he sat, looking in slight envy at the notebook.

"It can also help you prioritise" Septima informed Minerva "as in, you write a list of everything you need to do, and it'll rearrange the order into the most pressing."

"Amazing" Minerva said nodding; privately thinking any Professor worth their salt should be able to do that in their head anyway, though. "So what ab-"

"Plus" Septima continued, talking over Minerva "if you want to use it as a diary or whatever, you can have it on your person and as long as you're touching the page, you can record conversations. Dead useful if you were listening to a lecture or working as a scribe"

"Or in need of blackmail evidence" Minerva said, her eyes narrowing as she thought about the possibilities.

Septima sent her a slightly worried look and Minerva, despite the fact that she was now 'getting on in her years' and so insanity was becoming more acceptable for her, didn't really want to be referred to as 'that lady who lost the plot'. Quickly she changed the subject back, or rather on to, what she had been about to ask.

"The thing with the front cover, earlier?" she asked in confusion.

"Oh of course!" Septima said, her momentary suspicion of Minerva's evil tendencies vanishing  
"It changes to whatever thing the reader is least likely to want to pick up."

Minerva's eyes widened and she quickly sent an apologetic glance to Charity who, merciful heavens, was in a deep discussion with Filius and so hadn't heard a word.

"Practical really. If it actually looked like a diary, then anybody who saw it would want to pick it up. Better still, if someone _knew_ you had this book, and _knew_ it would be a book they would hate to read- and so were looking for a book they'd hate to read- it would change into an utterly unobjectionable book that they would then of course still not open! It's amazing!"

Minerva sat their stunned.  
"It truly is."

"So for example" Severus asked "If I were to be going through Minerva's room and stumbled across it, I would immediately see a biography of Saint Potter?"

"Exactly" Septima answered at the same time as Aurora said "Leave that poor boy alone" and Minerva said "what on _earth_ would you be doing in my room?"

"Honestly, Severus" Aurora snapped "Any dig at him. He's not even here."

"Oh, leave it, Aurora. I think it's as pathetic as you do, but we all know Severus is an incorrigible, obstinate dick" Septima told her friend positively.

Severus turned to give an angry stare at Septima but Minerva was still talking.

"Severus. You didn't answer. Even if I were to have this diary, or Potter's imaginary biography, that would give you no excuse to snoop through my possessions! What reasons could you possibly have for going into my room?"

"Reasons- I don't need any! It was all hypothetical."

"Ok, in hypothesis." Minerva continued "Why might you be in my room? A justifiable excuse, please."

Severus spluttered for a bit.

"You've gone missing; presumed dead but I don't believe it. I think you're out there, fighting for your life, but God knows we don't know where. Panicking and with very little time on our hands, I need to find any evidence I can which would help work out who might be the culprit and so organise a team of teachers to go forward and save your life. All thanks to the information I gathered from opening Saint Potter; the life and untimely death of"

Aurora shook her head. "Again. Where does he get off saying it?"

"Oh, you'd do that for me?" Minerva, meanwhile, asked "How very sweet. But should such an occasion arise, I'd actually prefer you to send in Pomona. And I could probably escape myself, you know."

Severus rubbed his hands tiredly over his face in exasperation.  
"Duly noted"

Minerva bit back a growing smirk. Playing with him was fun.

-x-

"Um...Professor McGonagall."

Minerva had just been about to leave the Great Hall when a timid voice spoke up from in front of her. Just how Miss Spinnet had managed to leave the Gryffindor table and walk right up in front of the staff table without Minerva noticing was something she didn't know, and didn't care to think about, since it hardly filled her with confidence when it came to matters such as the Order.

"Miss Spinnet" she said amicably enough "You aren't down with...with Miss Johnson and Mr Jordan."

Without even looking, Minerva knew that Severus would have picked up on her little stumble and would be trying to gain eye contact.

"N-no, Professor." Alicia looked a little confused, which led Minerva down the road of thinking there was a patent possibility she'd forgotten something that Miss Spinnet clearly had not.

"Is today not such a good day, Professor? I didn't mean to impose. I didn't know it was your birthday."

Minerva stared blankly at the girl.

Albus chuckled and leant in to whisper in her ear helpfully.  
"I believe Miss Alicia here asked for some assistance in your subject, which you were kind enough to offer in the form of additional lessons, Minerva. Scheduled for today."

"Oh of course!" Minerva exclaimed in surprise "I do apologise, Alicia" she said kindly "We can start now if you wish. Allow me to just collect my things."

"I can help" Alicia offered, simply happy that she hadn't gotten the wrong day and made a fool out of herself in front of the whole staff table.

"Oh, why thank-you" Minerva said, handing over a few presents for Miss Spinnet to hold.

Nobody else saw, not even Alicia herself, that as she took the book Minerva handed her, the cover immediately turned into a Transfiguration textbook.

Minerva's lips thinned into an annoyed line.

She had at least found the reason Miss Spinnet was struggling so much with the subject.

-x-

"I really appreciate this, Professor. " Alicia said earnestly as Minerva escorted her into her office to dump all of the new presents onto her rather hectic looking desk.  
Had Alicia not been present, then naturally all of the gifts would have been thrown unceremoniously onto her bed to be found homes for at some later point, whenever Minerva felt up to it. As it was, there seemed to be something deeply wrong with inviting a student into her bedroom, so she left it.

"You can't _want_ to spend your birthday tutoring me, Professor."

Minerva shook her head and fixed the remorseful girl with a kind look.  
"Please, Miss Spinnet. A student, from my own house no less, taking an interest in my lesson, and so adamant to achieve a good NEWT grade that she'll willingly pass up a Saturday morning to study it. It's possibly the best present I've received!" Her eyes lingered on that hateful muggle book. "Truly." She said in distaste.

Alicia laughed at Minerva's tone and commented lightly,  
"That's a gorgeous scarf though, Professor. Who gave you it?"

"Professor Snape" Minerva replied and although she was turning to lock her door behind them, she still caught the look of unflattering incredulity marring Alicia's pretty features.

"Off we go then" Minerva said in what was, at least for her, a cheerful voice.

"Um. Professor?"

Minerva resisted pointing out to the girl that 'um' was nothing more than a sound and therefore not a way to start a sentence.

"Yes, Miss Spinnet?"

"Well, I don't want to be, y'know, rude or anything. But there were like a dozen pink notes on your desk from Umbridge."

"Oh yes. They've been there for days." Minerva said dismissively.

"Oh." It wasn't clear whether she was really bored and trying to make conversation, or if Alicia was honestly just surprised, but she continued,  
"I guess I kind of figured you to be someone who'd want to rip a note down once you've completed it. Professor Sinistra is always preaching about the sense of achievement you get when you can strike something of a list and never look at it again. I sort of presumed you were like that as well."

Minerva looked at the girl strangely.

"I am and I do." She said, not quite glaring at the girl but aggravation definitely was present in her eyes at the subtle (unintentional) insinuation that Minerva was unorganised or shambolic.  
"And just as soon as I get round to caring about every single one of Professor Umbridge's many mundane requests and so entertain the idea of actually acting on her wishes, I'll take them down."

Alicia laughed again.

"So I have to ask, Alicia" Minerva started, her inquisitiveness showing its ugly face again  
"I never took you to being a particularly studious student."

Alicia grinned.  
"Because I hang out with the twins?"

Minerva paused.  
"A contributing factor, yes. But you never seemed to care too much about the work. I am sure you're aware you only scraped getting into your NEWT subjects by the skin of your teeth."

Alicia nodded as if she were getting chastised.

"So why are you giving up your Saturday morning to make a rather early start for a 17 year old on Transfiguration?"

"Well, you have that test for us Monday, Miss." She said, after mulling over Minerva's words for a bit. "And Angelina is making the chasers meet up after lunch for another practice."

Minerva looked surprised.

"Rather early in the term, isn't it? And why only the chasers?"

Alicia shook her head darkly.  
"Every player needs a one-on-one as we're _aiming for perfection. _Angie's looking to get into the Holyhead Harpies after Hogwarts, you see. We're gonna have scouts at every game. So she's turned absolutely psychotic. Every different position on the pitch needs to be thought out in immaculate detail. We even met up over the summer to practice. Oliver was the one who put in a good word with one of the Harpies; he's dating her sister or something, so he turned up mid-August to coach us. Him and Ang together are what bloody nightmares are made of. I'm still aching now, Professor!"

She paused briefly.  
"Still" she said smiling fully now "Angelina's an amazing captain and this year Quidditch is the most important thing in that girl's head. The other houses won't know what hit them, Professor." She said smugly.

Minerva nodded, pleased.

"I look forward to the first match then. Though we sort of wandered off the topic, Alicia. I rather meant 'why the sudden interest in school this year'?"

Alicia sighed.

"I guess...it's coming to an end and I want to feel like I've done something."

The honest response shocked Minerva into silence.

"I mean, I love Quidditch, but between Angelina and Harry, I think Gryffindor have got that covered. Hanging out with the Twins is great, but it is hanging out with _The Twins."  
_She looked as if she were about to say more on the matter but stopped herself.  
"And I don't know what I want to do after Hogwarts now Professor. I know during OWLS I said I wanted to take Quidditch up professionally and you asked me if I was sure and I just shrugged "why not" in response."

She laughed.

"It's scary though. I finish school this year and I have no idea what I want to do."

Minerva really wanted to comfort the girl but a) she apparently had more to say and b) any mention about how Minerva didn't know at her age either might lead to the story of the cheese fondue.

"I realised it over the summer at Angie's, with Wood there. They are both two Quidditch _fanatics _and I was like 'er, no thanks. I actually want to be asleep at 6am.'"

Minerva snorted.  
"Perfectly reasonable prerequisite of the summer holidays" she said nodding. "Continue"

"And I just thought 'if I cared about Quidditch, I'd enjoy this more' so I just sat and watched them play, pretending I had stomach cramps or headaches." She paused. "I've been entertaining the idea about writing a Quidditch column, but, I mean I must have something in my life outside of Quidditch! Surely!" She threw her hands up in the air in disbelief. "I can think of _nothing_. Nothing!"

So absorbed with having insight into a student's mind for the first time in she didn't know how long, Minerva almost didn't realise they'd found themselves right outside her classroom.

Minerva gestured for Alicia to sit at a nearby table as she herself walked over to a bookshelf and selected four books. _A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration _(this wasn't meant to be taken as patronising or mean, but as a way to ensure Alicia had her head around the basics. Needless to say, the girl seemed more than a little insulted when Minerva put it on the table and, later, more than a little embarrassed when she got some of the theory wrong.) As well as Intermediate and the advanced Transfiguration and finally _Theories of Transubstantial Transfiguration, _incidentally the very same copy that the librarian Irma Pince had once jinxed so that as Albus had been doodling absent-mindedly on the page, it had sprung into the air and begun beating him around the head. Minerva kept it for blackmailing purposes.

"I'm sure you'll find your path eventually, you know" Minerva said "Take it from someone experienced. You don't always know where you'll want to go at 17."

Alicia looked up with interest and Minerva's mind started to scream "Dangerous water! Dangerous water! Cheese! Ice-cream! Danger!"

"What about something in the Ministry?" she offered quickly, noting Alicia's nose wrinkle in disgust.

"Not such a fan of it at the moment, Professor." She said diplomatically "Besides, my sister is working there at the moment and she's not exactly singing its praises."

"Oh, what does she do there?" Minerva asked with interest, wondering if this woman could be a possible Order recruit.

"Mostly, get people coffee." Alicia smirked. "She let it slip I was on the Quidditch team with Harry and people got quite disapproving. Actually, she was quite disapproving too. She mentioned to Mum about me doing my last year at Beuxbatons"  
Alicia let out a very ungraceful, thus very un-Beuxbatonic, snort.

The Order dreams were just a tad dashed then.

"She believes what they are saying about Professor Dumbledore, then?" Minerva said carefully, trying not to give any sense of judgement in her voice. Apparently, she needn't have bothered.

"That he's crazy? Professor, even **you** must know that! Common knowledge. But she won't believe anything about You-Know-Who. Insane really, of course he's back."  
She looked at Minerva warily.  
"Sorry Professor. I know lots of people get upset about that. But...but you must believe it."

"Albus says it's true. I would never dispute Al- Professor Dumbledore" Minerva said.

Alicia shrugged.  
"I believed it the moment Harry said it. Well actually, George told me and I wouldn't doubt either of them. Stupid thing to make up. I don't know who the Ministry think they're fooling."

Minerva stared at the girl.  
"You care an awful lot about this." She finally said. The girl looked extremely troubled.

"All I know is I didn't see George all summer and there is no way that it just coincided perchance with You-Know-Who's return. Defence Against the Dark Arts, possibly the most important lesson we're going to be taught at the moment, is being delivered by the most incompetent Professor we've ever had, including Trelawney."  
She shook her head angrily and then softened her voice a bit  
"People are disappearing but barely getting mentioned in the prophet, Harry, Weasley and Granger are always muttering to each other in the common room...and Katie is muggleborn."

Minerva gave the girl a very measured stare.

"You're quite observant, aren't you?"

Alicia blushed slightly.

"You could do a lot of political pieces you know." Minerva said. "They'd be beneficial to everyone I think. The Prophet isn't the only paper around."

Alicia paused looking speculative and Minerva thought enough time had been spent on the young girl worrying about her future. It almost made Minerva feel embarrassed that her biggest concern at school was that smarmy Tom Riddle prat who always bested her in everything.

Well, now that she thought about it, a concern about Tom Riddle was really rather weighty, it was just Minerva had been all flustered for entirely the wrong, petty reasons.

"Now Miss Spinnet" she said, converting from Minerva to Professor McGonagall in a second "exactly what issues are you having with transfiguration?"

"Well, I think a lot of it is the theory, Professor" she replied, obviously having thought about it previously.  
"I don't understand what I'm meant to be doing, especially with non-verbal spells because how do I channel the magic? Animals won't change for me. I know it's not up to them, but it's like they are willing themselves to be immune to my spell. I can just about turn something into an animal. And I can turn an animal into another animal. But turning an animal into something inanimate, I find absolutely impossible. I don't even know what some of the technical words _mean_ in the Advanced book! I can't pronounce the incantations." She took a deep breath and added "Plus, there's self-transfiguration. I can't bring myself to do it! It's like every fibre in my body is screaming not to."

Minerva smiled.  
"In many ways, as a teenage girl, it's positively refreshing that you're so adamant to stay how you are."

Alicia grinned.  
"Maybe I could write about body image in Witch Weekly."

"Don't rule it out."

The girl sighed.  
"This is gonna need more than one lesson, isn't it, Professor?"

Minerva, who at the end of the girl's divulgence privately wondered if the examiner hadn't just found Alicia to be rather attractive and marked her up for that, nodded apologetically.

"I think so, Miss Spinnet. We'll make this weekly, shall we?"

-x-

As Minerva flicked her wand and returned Alicia's eyebrow to its normal colour, she looked up at the clock and, to her relief, found it was a time that she could now pass off as being late enough to pack away and get ready for lunch.

At quarter to 12, it had been an incredibly...long...morning...

"Well, that's enough for today" Minerva said, in a voice that she hoped inspired confidence in the student.

Alicia half-sighed, half-sobbed and threw her head down on the table.

Perhaps it hadn't.

"I'm hopeless." Alicia muttered into the table.

Minerva's eyebrows shot up in annoyance.

"If that were the case, Miss Spinnet, I would never have started these lessons. I guarantee that if you put the effort in and get into the right mind-set, you'll be getting an O this summer."

Alicia left looking bewildered but pleased.

-x-

"How'd it go?" Aurora asked pleasantly as Minerva walked up to the staff table at 12.

"She's hopeless!" Minerva declared, sitting down heavily in her seat. "Where are the other Professors?"

Aurora swallowed a mouthful of cauliflower cheese.  
"Not got a clue."  
She stopped  
"Well Septima is out for lunch with her fiancé, and I'm meeting them after I finish up here. Oh, you should come, Minerva!"

Minerva, who had been planning on going to Hogsmede anyway, accepted the offer with thanks and enquired after the other teachers again. Aurora chewed her mouthful slowly.

"Maybe Hogsmede as well? I wouldn't blame them all if they were trying to get out of the castle with _her _around. Although I'd guess Poppy might be in the hospital wing. Snape is, at least in my mind, drowning in a cauldron in the dungeons."

Minerva battled the grin threatening to spread across her face and won.

"May I ask exactly what it was that caused this sudden hatred of Severus to appear?"

"I've always hated him." Aurora sniffed.

"True." Minerva agreed. "Very vocal hatred too. But it rather seemed to me that since the Ministry's pink parade turned up you had managed to become far more civil around each other. I notice you've stopped throwing things at him."

"It was almost always provoked!"

"Well, yes, naturally. But it seemed he'd stopped provoking you."

"I thought it seemed like that too, Minerva." Aurora stabbed a pea moodily with her fork. "Clearly we were both wrong...Merlin! He's such a slimy bastard!"

There was no real response to that, much like there is no response to any statement of fact usually. So Minerva just made a start on the delectable looking shepherd's pie in front of her.

If she'd had any brains in her head, Minerva would have noted how highly suspicious an empty staff table was.  
If she'd had any sense at all, on the rare occasion that her birthday fell on a weekend and so it was permissible, she would have ran out of Hogwarts and spent the whole day hiding with sane people.  
If she'd only considered the endless 'ifs' before she went ahead and sat down for lunch...

At 12:14 exactly, Aurora looked at her watch, finished her mouthful and sat back, watching the door.

At 12.14 and 33 seconds, Minerva's mouth closed up with a sense of sickening dread and the forkful of mince she had noisily swallowed got lodged in her throat.

At 12:14 and 40 seconds, Minerva wished she could apparate from her seat to somewhere she'd feel safer, like the base camp for the Death Eaters.

At 12:14 and 46 seconds, Minerva decided she was being ridiculously paranoid.

At 12.14 and 58 seconds there was a huge detonation and the oak doors flew open.

"Damn." Aurora muttered "2 seconds early."

Behind the doors stood a beaming Albus Dumbledore, a smirking Severus Snape, a life-sized statue of Minerva McGonagall with a wand raised and a statue of her animagus balanced on its shoulders, a laughing Pomona, a grinning Filius, a winking Charity and a very apologetic looking Poppy.

'At least Poppy gets it.' A voice far back in Minerva's stunned brain peeped, before being consumed by the paralysing combination of mortification and shock.

Although her brain had gone to mush, Minerva's eyes appeared to be working fine as she definitely saw Severus's smirk broaden after he mouthed the words 'IT GETS WORSE.'

The entire student body, which had gone silent after the teachers arrived, jumped and in some cases screamed as 4 elves appeared carrying a gigantic cake between them. Most students would never have heard of, let alone seen one before.

As Minerva sat, still catatonic, the elves burst into song.

"Happy Birthday to you."

Albus joined in.

"Happy Birthday to you."

Albus forced the teachers and students to join in.

"Happy Birthday dear Professor McGonagall."

Minerva wished them all painful deaths.

"Happy Birthday to you!"

The seconds passed by and the only sign that Minerva hadn't dropped dead from mortification was the constant twitch of her left eye.

Gradually one by one the demonic smug grins plastered over the Professor's faces faded. Aurora even bit her lip and glanced over at the fuming woman beside her.

"Minerva?" She said timidly.

In response, the Transfiguration Professor gave a laboured deep breath and sat up, with the air of someone preparing for a hard battle.

"Professors." She acknowledged "Matron" she added, nodding to Poppy. "May I ask just _what_ that _thing_ is exactly and why, dear Merlin, _why_ is it blocking the hallway?"

Minerva would certainly have preferred to have a long rant, but her hands and even more noticeably her speech was shaking with barely contained rage bubbling up like a volcano within Minerva's chest. Her sanity level that kept the fury in check was already being strained with the memories of 7 years of the Weasley twins, Marauders and a lifetime with these...these monsters dressed up as colleagues playing a hideous masquerade of friendship.

"Now, Minerva" Albus started gently.

"It is out of sincere admiration and the high-esteem I hold you in that I refer to you always in public as Professor or Headmaster, Headmaster Dumbledore" Minerva said frostily "I only ask for a little respect in return, in that when in the presence of students you address me by the title I feel I have earned."

Beside her, it may have been a trick of the light, but Minerva could have sworn she saw Aurora widen her eyes at Severus, who grinned, and edge minutely away.  
It was unlikely though, considering the fallout they had just suffered. Indeed if Aurora had done that, she would be looking quite confusedly at the Potions Master, sort of as she was doing now.

These slight musings occupied maybe a grand total of 3 seconds of Minerva's time before Albus- ah, Professor Dumbledore- stepped forwards, his hands raised apologetically.

"No insolence was intended whatsoever" Albus- Headmaster- began, smiling slightly as he nodded "You must know the extent of reverence every person here holds for you-"  
The swift kick Poppy issued Severus as he opened his mouth did not go unnoticed by anyone, least of all Minerva.  
"And this glorious statue was dedicated to you to, in some small way, show the remarkable successes and positive changes you've brought to the school and those within it. I know this sentiment will be shared with every student you've helped, your own house and out, in the past 40 odd years."

Around her, people started clapping and cheering. Alicia Spinnet sticking out particularly on the Gryffindor table which, although filled with fewer students, was definitely creating the most noise.

A colder woman that Minerva would have yielded to the temptation, so Minerva felt that the tears building up in her glistening eyes were not just justified but inevitable.

"We thought of placing it just beside the doors, Professor" Severus drawled, clearly annoyed that Minerva wasn't more devastated with the gift,_ his_ eyes glinting with malicious humour "to symbolise your devout protectiveness of your students and the school" he continued, sarcastic contempt lacing his oily voice "and of course, so you may see it every morning, every lunch and every dinner of every day."

Every person in the hall held their breath. The pain in Minerva's temple was building to a height impossible to ignore. Pinching the bridge of her nose, between her dark eyes that were scrunched up tight so no-one could see the obvious insanity and hate dancing behind them, Minerva inhaled slowly, the faint scent of her shepherd's pie slightly calming her down.

Slowly, laboriously, she looked up and took another steady breath. It was a very kind gesture. It was very sentimental and the emotions Minerva had displayed moments earlier were proof of how much their admiration touched her.

Nonetheless, it was no lie to state that it was equally the most appallingly judged decision resulting in the most horrifically embarrassing present Minerva had ever received, quite including the comparatively delightful book from Charity.

Which was why Minerva would be forever thankful for the Weasley Twin's existence. As well as, more importantly, what happened no less than 11 and a half seconds later.

-x-


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: 27/1/11  
**This was only supposed to be a small story around the 1000 word mark! I have dozens of other stories on the go! However I think this might just be my favourite, so I'll keep going. I apologise for the lack of structure in terms of chapters, but I never intended it to be a multi chapter story!

**AN: 18/2/11  
**i have the next chapter written, but i also have a king arthur story on the go, a new job, AS levels and fundraising to do for a trip to build a classroom in uganda! As such, writing is happening as and when i have the brilliant mix of both time and inspiration- at the moment it appears they are mutually exclusive for me.  
That said, all this work is giving me insomnia right in halfterm when i HAD intended to sleep non-stop. This may well sound like a bad thing but what it actually means is that i'll probably get a LOT of writing done, XD

so wish me many restless sleepdeprived nights and enjoy XD

**Once a Year ****  
**_(A Dragon Tamer May Work With Dragons)_

_Chapter 4 _

"I can't believe you let me miss out on totally humiliating Minerva just because you didn't want to disturb my date with my stupid fiancé!" Septima burst out, pointing an accusatory finger at Aurora.

Septima had only just arrived a moment earlier, flushed but looking very glamorous in an expensive red dress and fur-lined cloak.  
Immediately sensing the tangible air of a good tale, she had unceremoniously plonked herself down on a seat in front of them - without so much as a 'hello' Minerva might add- and demanded they give her every detail immediately.

"_I_ can't believe you weren't in on it" Minerva said, shaking her head. "I'll have to start giving the other staff members more credit. You're all as devious as the devil! But we're yet to reach the truly entertaining part, Septima."

Septima huffed and leaned forward in her seat so she could rest her arms on the table. Minerva had been about to suggest they went someplace quieter to talk, but she could see that Septima was all set up for a story. Postpone it any longer and Septima would probably enforce a 'take-no-prisoners' attitude to her guaranteed violence.

As Aurora launched into her narrative of events, Minerva glanced around the pub contemplatively.

It was really quite unfair that a pub which relied heavily on the commercial benefits of the nearby school didn't provide separate rooms for the tired staff desperate for a break. Especially when they had gossip.

After all, in Minerva's respected opinion, the Three Broomsticks was really far too busy with various students rejoicing in the first chance of proper freedom Hogwarts had offered this term.  
Plus, the less than warm weather had resulted in almost every table being filled to the point of extra chairs being summoned, only for the children to vacate after a war-cry of "**Honeydukes**!" and the table be flocked to immediately by another group of acne-sprouting, hormonally raging teenagers.

Twice Minerva had been forced to resist the temptation of docking points at the mere sight of a filibuster firework or a fanged Frisbee or another such nuisance being displayed proudly and then shoved into a bag hastily when they caught her looking. The aggravating tell-tale look of mischief gracing the idiot's face always remained. Unsubtle Morons.

Why just as she and Aurora had sat down and ordered their drinks, Aurora had suddenly been compelled to leap to her feet and run to catch Rosmerta's arm. Absolutely nonplussed, Minerva had sat their silently waiting a good 5 minutes for Aurora to come back.

Using false ID and an aging potion, three 3rd years had managed to get themselves royally drunk under the pretence of celebrating a rather ambiguous 'good financial fortune within their business partnership'.  
Aurora had sent them up to the hospital wing with the instructions to Poppy that they were to be made to sleep but most certainly not given anything to remedy a glorious hangover should they wake up with one.

Minerva loved the sadistic side to Sinistra.

"Minerva, surely you're not going to stay mute throughout the entire recount of this legend?"

"I'm sorry, what?" Minerva asked politely and Aurora huffed.

"Deep in thought, Professor?" Septima grinned.

"I was thinking of Mr Travis, Mr Munford and Miss Saunders, actually." Minerva informed her, shaking her head in what would appear to an outsider as amusement but Aurora read easily as 'teacher's despair'.

Septima's brow furrowed in confusion.

"I can't believe it. An absolute travesty. Out drinking at age 13..." Aurora said mournfully but continuing with "and I'm sitting here sipping cherry syrup and soda."

"Which technically is still drinking" Septima commented lightly "although it's a pathetically girly drink admittedly."

"Filius' favourite" Minerva pointed out and Septima made an obvious point of saying nothing, causing them all to laugh again.

"Now you're back on planet earth, then, Minerva" Aurora said imperiously, though she winked playfully as she said it. "I can ask you what the name of the student was, who came running in moments after we'd all sung Happy Birthday to you."

Minerva's eye twitched again, but they all pretended not to notice.

"A young lad, second year at most." Minerva paused, thinking. "A Hufflepuff, I believe."

"That's a long name" Septima said, whistling slowly but was ignored by Aurora who contradicted, saying "Oh no, Minerva. Fourth year, and definitely a Slytherin."

"Oh...quite possibly, actually." Minerva allowed "Ian something."

"Or Evan?"

"Might even be Neil."

Septima issued a very angry, pointed cough and both women abruptly turned to look at her in surprise.

"Does his age, house or name have anything to do with the story?" she asked slowly, carefully pronouncing every syllable.

"Well...no" Minerva replied.

"Then '_Boy' _came running in. What happened next?"

Minerva bit her lip but said nothing, not wishing to incur Vector's wrath.  
Septima; bitch that she was- Minerva thought lovingly- was obviously used to a higher class of gossipers.

...

_2 hours earlier_

Minerva had never seen the hall so quiet in all her years of Hogwarts. Silence; pure and devastating. A stillness; in which trepidation doubled with every second. No breath could be heard amongst the death-like quietness of the still room. No chair creaked. No shuffling foot tapped the floor.

It was the calmness alerting Minerva to the nearing presence of a monstrous storm.

The detectible dread was apparent, yet everyone's face was misdirected- in paralysed horror- at her, waiting for her curses and verbal attacks to start flying.

Yet she, impressively, was feeling rather rational. The stifling, smothering, intensely acute, oppressive quietness and immobility that had descended upon those in the Great Hall was no fault of her own actions. It was a premonition or warning of something else, something much worse.

_..._

"Oh, just get on with it!" Septima huffed. Minerva scowled with particular venom; she had thought herself to be sounding quite poetic.

...

As one, every single person in the hall flinched at the harsh footsteps that came pounding down the corridor.

"Professors!" a boy yelled, running into the hall; chest heaving and eyes wide with panic.  
"It's Professor Umbridge..."

_..._

"Definitely a Slytherin" Minerva decided, nodding.

"Don't start that again" Septima warned, pointing threateningly at the aged Professor.

...

"It's...it's..." The poor boy was gasping for air "She told me to run and fetch you, professors...They started chasing her as I turned the corner...I..."  
Red in the face, he swayed as if he were about to pass out and then steadied himself.  
"Some prank, I think...Wealseys..."

Minerva squared her shoulders at Albus's swift, searching gaze directed at her.

He then reached out and put an arm on the boy's shoulder, to keep him upright.

"Whereabouts is she now, would you guess?" Professor Dumbledore inquired politely.

_**"!"**_

The boy grinned slightly, still wheezing, and nodded towards the doors where from somewhere behind the scream was echoing, growing steadily louder.  
"I'd say there, Professor"

Albus nodded at the boy.  
"Conjecture, but in this case quite reliable." He affirmed.

It was then that Dolores came sprinting- faster than anyone would have thought her fat little legs could carry her- into the hall.

_..._

"Honestly" Aurora said, shaking her head. "It was as if "no running in school" was never made into a rule. You would think, of all people, the High Inquisitor might just comply with the ministry approved regulations on behaviour."

"Outrageous" Septima agreed, fighting a smirk.

"Deplorable" Minerva sniffed disapprovingly.

...

Many unusual things happen in a school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The element of surprise usually wears off within a year or so.

The statue had been a shock for Minerva.

The army of toads- hundreds crawling over hundreds as they squelched in slime and swelled in size the closer they got to their target- was also a culprit of knocking Minerva aback somewhat.

_..._

"I recovered quickly though" Minerva informed the wide-eyed spluttering Septima, lest she get the wrong idea.

"Toads?" Vector, quite ironically, croaked out.

...

"Oh, Dolores" Minerva had said amiably "I wasn't aware you had family over."

Dolores didn't need to say anything-for Minerva to appreciate the level of animosity being generated at that moment. (Not that Dolores could have done judging by the state she was in, making the poor boy from earlier look positively the quintessence of fitness.)

Minerva didn't care in the slightest however, as her eyes had been drawn to the idiocy being exhibited by her dear friend Filius, who was raising his arm- wand poised- to cast a simple deleting spell.

The Twins had been in her house for 7 years. Now, understandable though it was to look at them on paper and determine them as inconsequential troublemakers with basic preliminary knowledge of spells, Filius had also taught them for 7 years. Their extensive skill in the way of tomfoolery and disruption was unparalleled to anyone else in the school. Thus their appalling exam results were rendered immaterial.

Dolores was an abomination of all sense and reason, the epitome of stupidity, the most useless, inefficient sacrilegious old crone ever to desecrate the glory of the staff table. Even so, she would probably have tried a few basic spells in the ways of getting rid of the toads before taking to her piggy trotters and scampering around the school under hot pursuit.

Nonetheless, Filius cast the spell.

The toads, as Minerva had guessed they might do, multiplied and those who were new leapt in a group attack towards Filius, gurgling and croaking in a sound that turned the stomachs of all those who heard them.  
The invisible wall he then conjured in response to their assault was effective in the sense that the toads could not reach him.

However, the hall looked on in horror as when every toad jumped into the wall, another one materialised. Within seconds the number had nearly quadrupled.

"Oh stop, for heaven's sake!" Pomona had shrieked "We'll be teeming with them in a minute." And she had whipped out her own wand and removed the spell.

The toads jumped forwards at the same time as Filius took a giant step back.

Mesmerised by this, everyone had forgotten the much-deserved plight of Dolores, who was backed against one of the walls as the toads advanced. It was her scream that brought everyone's attention back to her.

Including the attention of the other toads; the faction of the army that were ambushing Professor Flitwick.

Perhaps intrinsically the toads knew they had come into existence with the sole purpose of terrorising Professor Umbridge.  
Or perhaps it was a little known fact that toads were actually the only amphibian that possessed a sense of humour and they were simply doing it for laughs.  
Regardless, in what only can be described as a battle formation, the toads previously advancing on Filius turned and, in lines, hopped closer and closer to the remainder of the toad-army.

Collectively, they began closing in on the Queen Toad.

_..._

"Oh, do hush up, Septima" Minerva scolded as the Ancient Runes professor fell back in her seat, eyes streaming with tears as the hysterical mirth bubbled up, unstoppable, and poured out of her in a torrent of snorts and wheezes and spirited laughter.

...

Everyone watched, stunned, as the toads created a circle around the Defence against the Dark Arts Professor.

Again, it was only Filius who had the compassion to help. Rather than cast a charm on the toads, as evidently that was nothing more than a recipe for disaster, he instead summoned Dolores herself.

The sight of her zooming in the air, shrieking like a banshee, was enough for everyone in the hall to start laughing again.

Minerva had never seen Potter's Aunt Marge, and had only heard the story from Albus, but she imagined the infamous incident had looked rather a lot like this.  
It became obvious why the Ministry, who would see fit to imprison or expel a young man for defending himself against a pair of soul-sucking demons, could not bring themselves to make any act against Harry in the case of blowing up an Auntie.  
Even for the dour Ministry workers, it was just too funny.

Dolores hit the ground with a resounding thud-

_..._

"I bet she did" Septima snorted, still shaking.

"Quite" Minerva said, eyebrow raised. "Though with so many reasons to despise her, I think we're above making negative comments about her weight."

Septima smiled apologetically, nodding.

"So I'll continue" Minerva said.

_..._

The whale-of-a-women hit the ground with a resounding thud that likely shook the shop floors of London and resulted in people the country over asking in outrage why no-one had predicted the earth-quake.

The toads shrunk to a less imposing size but, before the sigh of relief could issue around the hall, they turned and hopped at her again, growing with every bounce.

"Perhaps they think of her as a big fat fly" Aurora had whispered to Minerva, her eyes as round as plates as she watched in shameful fascination.

It was then that inspiration struck for Minerva and wand raised, she sent a transfiguration charm towards the execrable birthday statue.

The buzzing filled the air before people could particularly work out where it was coming from. Students screamed in (admittedly melodramatic) horror as the statue morphed into a swarm of hideously engorged flies.

Simply for the sake of demonstrating to the students the usefulness of the mixed transfiguration and charm use -and not at all to see if Dolores' own tongue would whiz out to have a snack- Minerva sent the swarm around Umbridge first, causing all the toads to rush at her.

Pretending not to hear the frightened screams as a torrent of flies and toads wrestled Dolores to the ground; Minerva issued another final spell form her wand. In a horrifying modified version of a classic muggle tale- the Pied Piper, the flies flew out of the doors and, eventually to the forest. The toads followed one by one.

"TREVOR!" Neville had yelled, rushing to the doors and knocking Dolores to the ground again.  
How he could distinguish his toad amongst all the other warty, repulsive toads Minerva didn't know, but was rather impressed by anyway.

"Oh look!" a little first year Hufflepuff girl had cooed, walking over to the end of her table. There, hiding behind the legs of the bench, was a little toad, gurgling happily to himself.

"I already have a cat, Professor" she said, looking up to her head of house with big imploring blue eyes "but it's so adorable. Could I keep this too?"

_..._

"Well..." Septima said looking, to her credit, only faintly flabbergasted. "Well I never."

Minerva raised her eyebrows meaningfully and gestured slightly at Septima's stunned expression.

"Exactly, Professor Vector. Precisely how we felt."


	5. Chapter 5

**Once a Year ****  
**_(A Dragon Tamer May Work With Dragons)_

"_Well..." Septima said faintly. "Well I never."_

_Minerva raised her eyebrows meaningfully. _

"_Precisely."_

**Chapter 5**

There had been a considerable pause in conversation after that story. A second or two to reflect Minerva would have considered perfectly natural, but now they were bordering on crossing into minutes (yes, plural) of sitting in silence. To deflect the awkwardness, Minerva took a substantial gulp of her drink and, as should have been predicted, automatically had a montage of the toad fiasco dance through her mind. Minerva then had bigger issues than the silence, having been forced to make a conscious effort not to lose all social etiquette, spray her drink everywhere and descend into unexplained laughter.

"And...er, I suppose the atmosphere amongst the students now is quite..._subdued" _Vector eventually asked as a group of evidently hyper Ravenclaw boys staggered in laughing. One of them was doing a rather wonderful and talented impersonation of a toad, much to Minerva's (hidden) amusement.

"Oh yes, naturally" Minerva nodded, furrowing her forehead into a grave expression.  
"It was quite a serious and surprising flout of school rules. People were showing blatant insolence towards the High Inquisitor-"

She broke off as another boy in the group, who were making their way up to the bar, flicked his hair in a theatrically feminine way and screeched in a painful pubescent attempt at a falsetto voice; '_this is against decree no. 327 that CLEARLY states all toads seeking to attack a ministry official MUST report to the ministry's amphibian-attack department for proper authorisation!' _

"-and we're all quite shaken up about it." Minerva finished in the same sombre tones.

"_Cornelius help! Cornelius!"_

Septima giggled again.

"Oh, just wait for Jonathon." She cackled "I've told him all about the hag. He hates her more than I do for the amount of times she's put me in a bad mood. He loves hearing things like this" she rubbed her hands together deviously, eyes sparkling with mirth.

"Yes and where is he exactly?" Aurora inquired. "I thought you were both meeting us here together."

Septima rolled her eyes.

"He freaked out about meeting you two more than when he met my parents" she said lovingly "so he ducked into his room at Aberforth's to 'check he had no messages' about ten minutes ago!"

"Surely not!" Aurora laughed "I can't be that intimidating. If you've told him but one story about me, Jonathon'll know the biggest danger he faces is me standing up to greet him, falling and knocking him out cold!"

"Undeniably true" Septima said, smiling "And to tell the truth, I was only trying to spare feelings here. Minerva..." she started, biting her lip briefly in a valiant effort to maintain a straight face.  
"I fear I've miss sold you in my letters to Jon. Fleur Delacour had a braver and manlier expression on her face last year when she stood out to face her dragon, in comparison to his, at the mere prospect of meeting you!"

'Well, really' Minerva thought disparagingly. 'This rarely makes for a pleasant first encounter. I'll be forced to dance around the stupid sod to prevent him having a nervous breakdown in my presence.'

It did occur to the slightly evil part of Minerva's nature that there did exist a second option. Sure, it might be at the risk of losing friends, but she certainly had the potential to have a blast on her birthday and see if the man could be glowered into an all-out meltdown. She _of course_ dismissed this idea at once as _naturally_ Minerva wasn't prone to evil acts.

Obviously not.

It would be unthinkable.

Unprofessional.

Fun though...

'NO MINERVA'. She scolded herself soundly.

Minerva shook her head and said aloud, though it was mostly directed to herself;  
"Alright, I'll just have to make sure I'm charming then, won't I?"

Septima and Aurora grinned.

_..._

"Dear God, its Gilderoy Lockhart's hairdresser!" Minerva whispered loudly to Aurora some 5 minutes later. Septima had jumped up out of her seat to meet her fiancé, but since she was only standing a few metres away it was entirely possible she'd heard the comment. Minerva felt slightly embarrassed at how loudly she'd spoken, but only slightly. The man was wearing lilac for Merlin's sake. With a _sparkly _tie.

"Actually no" the man smiled nervously. "I wish I could have been, but he has all sorts of charms in his hair." He shrugged in an almost uncomfortable manner.  
"Squib" he explained, pointing at himself.

What followed was nothing more than a brief moment, but it lasted long enough for Minerva to feel absolutely mortified.

"Maybe you'd have better luck making a joke out of that" Aurora whispered back, trying not to laugh. Minerva shot her a death glare.

The man grinned far more amicably and shook his head.  
"It's fine. Really. Septima's first comment to me was 'are you gay?' when we met. I expect nothing but the worst when I'm out with her, plan for embarrassment and everything better is a bonus." Jon laughed "And you weren't far wrong, Professor. I AM a hairdresser, though I work in a muggle business."

The pink tinge had thankfully faded from Minerva's face. She was beginning to feel a lot more at ease with Jon and was finding it funny that the man who had hidden in his room from fear of her was now trying to make Minerva- the dragon- more comfortable. Minerva began suspecting that Septima had told somewhat exaggerated tales of his anxiety

"My second comment was 'are you single?'" Septima grinned, momentarily ignoring her friend's gaucheness. "I'm never one for small talk" she admitted. "Or tact" she tagged on, raising her eyebrows at Minerva.

"So how did you two meet then?" Minerva asked, quickly diverting attention away from her faux pas, as the pair settled down in chairs opposite them. If he worked in a muggle hairdressers, it seemed unlikely their paths would meet often. In fact she was extraordinarily surprised that he was her type.

"My father owns the pub in Diagon Alley. The new one? Kassandra's Cauldron. I helped out for the first few weeks and guess who kept visiting. "

"Me!" Septima burst out, laughing and Jon rolled his eyes.

Minerva nodded slowly.  
"Yes, but that _is _new isn't it? It opened a few months ago."

They both nodded, grinning. Minerva's eyes darted over to Aurora who raised her eyebrows meaningfully in reply.

It made sense, Minerva supposed, for someone as spontaneous as Septima in work to be as spontaneous in her love life. After all, Septima was rather like Emmeline and she had been married as often as Minerva had bought new shoes.

But even so...

"Rather quick, wasn't it?" Minerva couldn't help but say.

Their reactions were more frightening than she had anticipated. Jon became inexorably absorbed in his feet at that moment which- despite the tension Minerva could not help but notice were clad in lilac socks! Did the man possess anything in any other colour? - when Septima said something that made Aurora surrender to the inappropriate drink-spitting Minerva had refrained from earlier.

"Well yes, but the thing is. It...it really needs to be quick. As in, less than nine months if you get my meaning"

Septima waited patiently as Rosmerta hurried over to mop up the table and Aurora, who was turning an unsightly shade of purple as she flailed about in vain to get air into her lungs. Minerva, for her part, was more frozen solid than her statue had been.

"I'm pregnant" Septima needlessly clarified.

"Yeah, we got that" Aurora spluttered, wiping her mouth with her sleeve "How is it possible you didn't tell me about this?"

Minerva had at least finally managed to close her mouth and miraculously end her fish impersonation before too many students saw. Words however were far beyond her capability at that moment. Luckily they weren't necessary.

"Well, I suppose" Septima started quietly, placing a comforting arm around Jon "it's because I was scared and you're really gullible and oh my God I can't believe that actually worked."

Minerva blinked once as her brain registered the deadpan and she was then back on form immediately, glaring at the two lovers who, quite childishly, were positively in stitches next to each other. Beside her, Aurora was visibly relaxing and- as Minerva saw- traitorously had the beginnings of a laugh being etched into her expression.

"I assure you, the book was more than enough of a birthday present Septima" Minerva said frostily "A coronary as well is just too much of a gift."

"Oh, I am sorry" the professor said, still chortling "I forgot that a heart of someone your age is in no condition to be aggravated with idiotic pranks." Minerva's steely eyes refused to diminish at Septima's smirking reminder of the Dolores prank they'd laughed at minutes earlier. Instead Minerva ensured her glare remained fixed firmly on Septima until the slightest trace of fear appeared. She also steadfastly ignored Aurora's snort of amusement.

"I would just like to assert my innocence here" Jon spoke up quickly "It was all her idea. She cornered me earlier and made me swear to go along with it! But to make amends" he grinned winningly at Minerva "A birthday gift. Hopefully better than a coronary, though I won't make too big a distinction between the two- this does concern my dad's cooking."

He handed her a coupon for a free birthday meal at the pub for her and a friend with VIP status. Minerva felt she just might warm to Jon yet. Though far be it for her to let this on.

"Deeply appreciated though I think the two of you have a long road to tread to gain forgiveness- and I believe both the bookshop and Scrivenshaft's quills are en route" She added as an aside.

-x-

As it turned out, almost every shop in Hogsmeade was part of this trip, with the controversial exception of Zonko's which Minerva outright refused to let them go in. Really, what would the students say? If Septima and Jon wished to enter, they could do so during a private midnight special opening just for them the night before exams so no student would be scurrying around the place. _Honestly._ _Was that too much trouble? _

There was also a minor altercation (by which Minerva meant a heated issuing of death threats on her part) in response to a somewhat mischaracterised attempt to pin a big, ostentatious –and dare she say- _tacky_ birthday badge on her person. Fortunately the culprit (Septima of course) abandoned the silly pursuit quite quickly and so they all left the venue bodily intact with all necessary appendages in their appropriate anatomical places.

Other than that though, Minerva had to confess that she'd had a thoroughly enjoyable day out. Admittedly there had been a good few times when the considerable age gap between herself and her companions had been, in short, demoralising. But that was to be expected on any day, not just her birthday. Her birthday which had passed her over into a new decade. Merlin she felt old.

"Minerva!" the voice of the horridly young Septima snapped her out of her depressing reverie quite quickly. "Minerva, that's Remus Lupin isn't it? I'm sure of it. He looks ever so tired."

"No doubt he is" Aurora replied, before dropping her voice much lower to explain "there was a full moon not two nights ago. I'm surprised he's out at all."

At Jon's evident confusion, Aurora dropped her voice even more to the point of a whisper.  
"He's a werewolf."

"He was a teacher two years back" Septima continued in similarly hushed tones "Absolutely lovely to be around; witty, friendly. Then Snape told us why he disappeared all the time. Werewolf. There was total uproar."

"I can imagine" Jon replied, stunned "Surely the students weren't safe..."

"The students were more than safe" Minerva admonished sharply, not bothering to keep her voice low at all as she put a stop to their whispering "They were safe, happy and receiving the highest quality of Defence against the Dark Art's teaching they'd been given in a long time. I really don't think there's any need to be judging and gossiping about _this_ defence professor."

Leaving Septima and Aurora standing there red-cheeked with their eyes on the ground like misbehaved children, Minerva darted over to where Lupin stood, gazing in a shop window.

"I'm rather fond of purple snap-dragons" she muttered to him, nostrils flaring at the ridiculous sentence.

Remus turned smiling.  
"I'm afraid the florist is out, would you care for some jam?"

Minerva shook her head.  
"It was made clear in the meeting that I would be offered specifically plum jam. Now how can I possibly know if you're Remus or not?"

"I guess you can't." Remus – or was it- replied charmingly. "We'll just have to cross our fingers and hope it is me. After all, think of the trouble it'll cause if it isn't. I'll need to find myself pretty quickly and that would be hard enough. Then I'd have to find out who I am- I as in the I that is not me- and explain to myself that the me that I think is me is in fact not myself at all and, would I believe it, I have my suspicions that I might well be my other self."

Remus threw his hands up in the air.

"And how could I believe that myself had it in me to be an imposter? If I can decide myself to be a decidedly not-I me, based on jam, what would an olive loaf teach me? Would I secretly have a third me who was in fact the real I with me and myself being, my default, not me. Possibly. Then what would I do?"

Minerva blinked several times.

"That was surreal" she said slowly.

Remus grinned.  
"It really was, wasn't it? My split-personality paranoia aside, how are you?"

Minerva gave a long-suffering sigh.  
"As well as I expected to be today. You're not here on business then?" Minerva queried.

"No. Purely casual today Minerva. I'm actually shopping for a birthday present."

"Oh, you needn't, Remus." Minerva said quickly, waving her hand dismissively.

Remus however was turning distinctly pinkish and closed his eyes momentarily.

"Oh" Minerva realised quickly, feeling embarrassed herself "How arrogant of me. I do apologise Remus-"

"No, Minerva" Remus interjected hurriedly "It's my fault. Of course it's today, Emmeline told me weeks ago. I completely forgot, I'm so sorry Minerva. It's your 70th as well,"

"Remus. Stop." Minerva ordered. "I daresay I've missed more than a few of your birthdays, yes? " Cutting off his –'oh, but that's different.' – Minerva continued "Now tell me who this particular present is for and we'll see if I- and by that Remus I of course mean dear Septima over there-" Minerva nodded at the three of them who waved back, still looking a tad guilty "can come up with the perfect gift. You seem incredibly lost."

"I am" Remus said self consciously "But it's not important. She- I'll probably just ask then what they want."

"I'm sure she'd prefer something with a bit if thought put into it, you know."

"Yes well" Remus mumbled "Moneys tight as always. I'll-I'll find her something at some point..."

"Hm" Minerva snorted, confident in who she thought this present was being aimed for and therefore certain that the cost of a present would be no factor in their mind. "Well, the fact you even bother to get a present would probably mean a great deal to her, I'm sure." Minerva finished smartly.

"Will you join us?" She asked, gesturing at the group. "We were going back to the Three Broomsticks for a last drink before Aurora and I head back."

"Um..." Remus paused "I have plans. Though certainly not pleasant plans. The house is still in need of much attention- i'm becoming quite the domestic goddess according to, ah, he's requesting the name Snuffles."

"Of course he is" Minerva quipped dryly "you can assure him I'd sooner refer to him by his real name."

Remus grinned and looked at his watch.

"Ah...one drink?" he asked Minerva.

"Absolutely. No more than one"

-x-

Several drinks later, although Minerva would hasten to add they were no more alcoholic than redcurrant rum, Remus was being thoroughly hauled over the coals for forgetting Minerva's birthday.

"Shameful" Aurora said, shaking her head. "Even Severus remembered."

Remus groaned loudly and his head fell into his arms.

Aurora laughed loudly. The two of them had, from what Minerva gathered, spent the year Remus worked at Hogwarts passive-aggressively attacking Severus through jokes and comments throughout the four seasons. Well, mostly. Aurora had also spent a considerable amount of her time trying to find out secrets of Snape from their school years which, unsurprisingly, Remus was reluctant to give.

It was really getting rather tiresome. Minerva wasn't sure if Aurora's inclination towards the sinister potions master would be more satisfied through sleeping with him or throttling him. Either way she was more and more guilty of entertaining the idea of shutting them up in the shrieking shack for a night and dealing with whatever consequences that came thereafter. It would at least be one evening in the staffroom where all crockery remained firmly on the table and intact and not, say, launched into the air at Severus's head.

"Leave the man alone" Minerva said as Aurora opened her mouth to make another comment.

"Myself or Snape?" Remus asked.

"Both" She replied quickly "Severus not only remembered to buy me a present but bought me a beautiful one however" she said as Remus reassumed his position of having his head in his arms to the groups amusement "you have done one better. By turning up here in Hogsmeade you have delayed our return by a good 15 minutes already at least."

"And that's a positive?" Remus asked.

"Undoubtedly" Minerva sighed though she had no need to elaborate as Septima was already doing so for her.

"You don't appreciate the horror of Hogwarts now, Remus. 15 minutes away from Dolores is 15 minutes away from the jaws of insanity, the fires of Hades, the 9th circle of hell"

Jon laughed.

"Is she really that bad?" Remus asked

"She's like Madame Puddifoot's crossed with the evilest of death eaters. With a few toads thrown in for good measure." Aurora said as Minerva and Septima snorted.

"It's a story we'll have to tell you another time" Minerva said regretfully at Remus and Jon's inquisitive looks "The students are gradually drifting back up to the castle. Pomona's busy in the greenhouses and Severus and Poppy with the tonics. That leaves Filius, Sibyl and Dolores to control the excited masses. The poor man can't be expected to do it alone. "

They all laughed.

"oh" Aurora said suddenly "Are you not going out with your friend this evening? Isn't it a tradition of sorts?"

"Emmeline was...otherwise engaged" Minerva said, glancing once at Remus who nodded.

"Well, we'll have to stop by the kitchens and request your favourites then." Aurora decided, smiling at Minerva who certainly had no objections.

"No." Remus interrupted, startling Minerva. "You've given me a wonderful opening, Aurora, to make amends. Let me take you out to dinner, Minerva."

"Don't be ridiculous" Minerva said quickly, remembering what Remus had said about money "You don't want to be splashing money about on my when there is perfectly delicious food at Hogwarts."

"Yes, but there are also students throwing it about the place" Remus pointed out.

"And shouting across to each other" Aurora added "with half-masticated food still swirling around in their mouths" she grimaced, wrinkling her nose is disgust.

"Even so" Minerva said "I refuse to let you spend any money on something as useless-"

Jon cleared his throat noisily.

"Oh!" Minerva started and then cracked a brief smile. "I have a free dinner for myself and a friend. You'll join me for dinner won't you Remus."

Remus grinned.  
"What a delightful idea, how I wish I'd thought of it."

Minerva raised an eyebrow.

"Would you like a free meal or not, Remus?"

"I would love to" he smiled.

-x-

**AN: **Although I am on a roll and have just written 8 pages, it IS long past midnight here in England and I'm a little tired. Therefore I am liable to have made many mistakes, despite my countless proof-reading (you know what they say, never proof-read your own work) so if there are grammar or spelling mistakes please let me know. Or, since once again I am not entirely pleased with great chunks of this chapter, tell me what I'm dreading but half anticipating- this is crap. Rewrite now.

Well, I'd appreciate if you told me the whys and how, and which parts specifically need to be rewritten :D

However this chapter has been opened almost every other day for nearly 2 months. I'm sure a lot of you writers will sympathise- I loved what I'd written but felt I'd somehow written myself into this dead-end. I THINK with this chapter I've successfully dug my way out of this dead-end and should be smooth sailing for the rest of the story. PLEASE tell me if i'm wrong. Although I may regret this in the morning, I'm posting this NOW because Goddammit it's FINALLY finished!


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